1.10.23 - These golden days
It is over. The last throes of The Sorrows. Over.
I regret my behaviour over the past two weeks. I make no excuse for it, but the truth is that it was hard to bear.
It is strange. I have never been interested in being with someone for the sake of being with someone. I never feel lonely. There are too many things to do. But it was hurtful. That someone could be an asshole their whole lives and children will still give you their loyalty if you bribe them enough.
It doesn't matter anymore though, because I had a breakthrough and the breakthrough was, am I going to trash all those years of love and warmth and wonder for this small but huge hurt now? Am I going to jeopardise the last few days with my gorgeous elder son (even as they realise that actually they need to start creating some good times now because they had not in the past and are making up for lost time and it is too late, too late, sorry bud) because of some, in the grand scheme of things, idiotic affectation which they have taken on? Er, no. No. I will not let that happen. And so, I ride out the last few days, weeks, months in this manner. Not polluting my legacy. Keeping to my promise of living this year beautifully.
To that end, after Munch, which has become a weekend ritual, we decided to take a walk along Belfast Lough in the Titanic Quarter. It was a golden October afternoon - a delightful break from the constant rains. The light was heavy and liquid with the recent weather, and gulls, cormorants and the occasional duck swept up and down the waters of the inlet.
We recalled things - and marveled at the new things. How busy it now was! How there were new sculptures! How filled with walkers and families! Remember how we would drive to the end and fly kites? Climb down into the dry dock which held the Titanic back in the day? It was an abandoned sleepy place and now look, this was 15, 20 years since and here we were...
We recalled good times. The Odyssey. Watching films there. Eating at the Pizza Hut. Going to W5. No, no one is going to steal my happiness and my past. Never.
I have done the hard part, I have not just survived - I thrived despite the neglect, despite the exploitation, despite the abuse. And more than that, these children did too.
So I walk into the autumn, admiring its glory. Being alive in the pulsing of the movement, the leaving and the coming. And I fear nothing. Nothing.
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