#324 - #348 (24)

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Home. I have spent a lot of the last few months at home mostly because we cannot go anywhere. It doesn't matter if we have swallowed all the kool aid. It doesn't. You have to work from home although if you want to you can still go to the cinemas if you have been vaccinated... or test negative. I mean nothing makes sense anymore. But the upshot of all this is that we no longer leave the house unless we really have to. I guess that going out and patronising shops lifestyle is no longer something which was never there until the last twenty years. The obsession with constant consumption. It is like when people complain about Christmas no longer being the intense consumption fest it used to be I wonder so what. So what it is no longer the intense consumption fest it used to be. That should be ok.

For me if I never see somewhere else again... I mean I would like to. but I can't be bothered anymore. Have they won? Maybe. Now the world is their playground and we are at home. Who cares? I don't care. I have done my fair share of seeing the world. Every place I have been to has been great, but at the end of it all, if you are an asshole then you know you will be an asshole anywhere and isn't the entire point of travel to get to know yourself.

This is the terrible thing about me as well. All the burning questions have been answered. I no longer have to torture myself with finding answers to questions. Have I found answers to ALL of them. No, of course not. But I have found questions to MOST of them, and the ones I don't have answers for, well #I am happy to let them hang there. 

I have found answers to the questions that I need to find answer so much that I have forgotten what these questions are. All I know is that I know contentment through a stroke of luck and my own journey and I no longer need to prove anything. I wrestle no demons. This is not to say that I don't from time to time feel like a failure or indeed that I should have taken a left turn at Albuquerque, but it does mean that I no longer act out. I am still learning all the time.

Recently I have learnt to contain my annoyance. When I feel the gust of anger rising, I settle in and calm down till it passes. Previously I felt I had to do something - well that's not true. Previously I would just keep it all until the last thing happened and then it would make the entire thing go up like touch paper. Well I don't do that anymore. I don't know why.

Last night I had a strange dream - I'm dreaming a lot these days - that I was speaking to someone and telling them that we were very blessed. How much longer we get to hold on to these blessings I do not know...But for now we recognise them.

Sigh. time to think about things... I just can't do it. I bring myself to do it. I have to though. I have to make up my mind about elements. What we do. I cannot do it so tired though...that's the other thing I am BONE TIRED.

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