Bringing it back home
Thus endeth Class Six. Now that school is over all I can do is think about school.
All the things which I have to do and start doing now. Such is the life of a teacher. The school's community is a tight knit circle of friends and people whom we have come to know so very well. We see each other all of the time and support each other when we need to. Through the school I have come to understand the meaning of community. And not community through some kind of validation from each other, but rather a shared need, a shared goal. A tacit acknowledgement that we all need each other. That we are stronger than the sum of our parts and in a very very real way.
We are better when we are together. We can find solace and comfort and relief in each other, we can draw strength and sustenance from each other. We ask for help and we will find help. We are all holding each other, even though we are so busy, so full of the other things in our lives. This is how women support each other. And it is real and a thing to behold.
I am trying to fix my thoughts. Well the first thought is that my period was missed again this month - it was supposed to come at the new moon and it never did. It is well past the full moon now - so it would look like I have missed it this month. The period is now unpredictable - sometimes it is light and sometimes it is torrential. The last period I had was hell. It was really awful. It felt like I had a flu and had been hit by a bus at the same time. I just endured it.
Then I think about all the things which I need to do. Write my reports, clean the classroom, clean the house, get passports done BEFORE I head for Jura and then for Singapore. All that needs to be done in the next four days. I will not be resting anytime soon. Also this year, there was the added complication of Oisin's GCSEs and doing lots of PR for the school. All these things sneak up on you and you don't realise them. They all add up.
So, in the hope of straightening out my thoughts...
PASSPORT
1. Reports
2. Clean classroom
3. Complete newsletter
4. Clean house.
Passport needs to be done first thing on Monday
Reports, I think I need to do three a day - probably in the evening, from about 5 pm - two hours per report
Clean classroom will be for three hours a day
Clean house will probably take me only one evening, if I put my ass into gear and stop faffing around
The newsletter, that can be done in a couple of hours, maybe even this evening, after the party.
So, it looks like:
This evening: Newsletter and update website
Tomorrow:
AM - Passports
10 - 1 pm: Clean classroom
2 - 4 pm: Clean house
5 - 10 pm: Write report
Rinse and repeat for the next three days, till the 4th.
Right.
I have to say that I did sleep really well yesterday, for the first time in months. I had many weird dreams. Over the past few night I have been having the STRANGEST dreams. Yesterday I was on Rathlin and it wasn't Rathlin, but it involved a hoover... and two ice cream shops. A few nights ago I dreamt that Ghin had died and I really thought he had died and I woke up completely distraught to find him lying beside me and I was so happy. That utter loss in my life, it was just the most horrible feeling, as if the entire world had caved in and there was nothing I could do. Which you can't with death. It makes me think even more of people who have lost those so dear too them.
Today, as I was driving Oisin to Bangor, I told him, you know, in some ways I can't wait till I am 50? Why not, he asked me, because I think that if I am the way I am when I am 50, that's pretty good going. I have also loved the autonomy of being 50. People also ask me if I feel lonely. I don't feel lonely at all. At the present moment there is so much life around me - how could I be lonely? How? One day, I am sure this will happen, then so be it, but till then, here I am, in the middle of life, in the prime of my life, and I am rocking it. I am stepped into my power and it feels like I have so much more untapped potential. It doesn't mean I don't feel tired, I absolutely feel tired. I feel like on some days I can't get up - but I know that there is still so much inside me that is going to continue giving. I do not think about tomorrow, I don't think about how long am I going to live, all I care about is what is happening now - my life now.
It is too difficult to plan and scheme. And from what I have seen any scheming always fails in the long run. The best laid plans are cast aside for the truth of your path and in a single moment, like a tsunami, everything you have worked for can be destroyed or changed. So live for now, live the moment eternally.
And you will never regret it nor be disappointed. Find the beauty in the now. If there is one lesson I have learnt that has to be it. Be grateful for everything and live in the now. Be interested, be curious, be alive. Always, always be alive. Alive to the possibilities of everything around you. It is like a walk through the forest, a ride along the roof of the world, swim in the ocean. And you don't have to be incredible to be you - you just have to be yourself to be incredible. Being able to see your own uniqueness is the greatest art, the greatest gift you can give yourself. When you are able to do this, then everything is possible. This key unlocks limitless potential. It is the mathematical formula everyone is waiting for. And it is different for each person. The most important qualities I have learnt about in my life are:
Kindness
Generosity
Softness
Strength
Heading True North
Courage
Openness
Trusting - especially yourself
Most especially trusting yourself that you are heading True North. Always True North. Life is not a performance. It isn't. Life is to be lived.
Right, what did I say I'd do tonight? Yes, I can update the website. And do the Newsletter.
I can do that now actually and when I finish I'll head to the party.
All the things which I have to do and start doing now. Such is the life of a teacher. The school's community is a tight knit circle of friends and people whom we have come to know so very well. We see each other all of the time and support each other when we need to. Through the school I have come to understand the meaning of community. And not community through some kind of validation from each other, but rather a shared need, a shared goal. A tacit acknowledgement that we all need each other. That we are stronger than the sum of our parts and in a very very real way.
We are better when we are together. We can find solace and comfort and relief in each other, we can draw strength and sustenance from each other. We ask for help and we will find help. We are all holding each other, even though we are so busy, so full of the other things in our lives. This is how women support each other. And it is real and a thing to behold.
I am trying to fix my thoughts. Well the first thought is that my period was missed again this month - it was supposed to come at the new moon and it never did. It is well past the full moon now - so it would look like I have missed it this month. The period is now unpredictable - sometimes it is light and sometimes it is torrential. The last period I had was hell. It was really awful. It felt like I had a flu and had been hit by a bus at the same time. I just endured it.
Then I think about all the things which I need to do. Write my reports, clean the classroom, clean the house, get passports done BEFORE I head for Jura and then for Singapore. All that needs to be done in the next four days. I will not be resting anytime soon. Also this year, there was the added complication of Oisin's GCSEs and doing lots of PR for the school. All these things sneak up on you and you don't realise them. They all add up.
So, in the hope of straightening out my thoughts...
PASSPORT
1. Reports
2. Clean classroom
3. Complete newsletter
4. Clean house.
Passport needs to be done first thing on Monday
Reports, I think I need to do three a day - probably in the evening, from about 5 pm - two hours per report
Clean classroom will be for three hours a day
Clean house will probably take me only one evening, if I put my ass into gear and stop faffing around
The newsletter, that can be done in a couple of hours, maybe even this evening, after the party.
So, it looks like:
This evening: Newsletter and update website
Tomorrow:
AM - Passports
10 - 1 pm: Clean classroom
2 - 4 pm: Clean house
5 - 10 pm: Write report
Rinse and repeat for the next three days, till the 4th.
Right.
I have to say that I did sleep really well yesterday, for the first time in months. I had many weird dreams. Over the past few night I have been having the STRANGEST dreams. Yesterday I was on Rathlin and it wasn't Rathlin, but it involved a hoover... and two ice cream shops. A few nights ago I dreamt that Ghin had died and I really thought he had died and I woke up completely distraught to find him lying beside me and I was so happy. That utter loss in my life, it was just the most horrible feeling, as if the entire world had caved in and there was nothing I could do. Which you can't with death. It makes me think even more of people who have lost those so dear too them.
Today, as I was driving Oisin to Bangor, I told him, you know, in some ways I can't wait till I am 50? Why not, he asked me, because I think that if I am the way I am when I am 50, that's pretty good going. I have also loved the autonomy of being 50. People also ask me if I feel lonely. I don't feel lonely at all. At the present moment there is so much life around me - how could I be lonely? How? One day, I am sure this will happen, then so be it, but till then, here I am, in the middle of life, in the prime of my life, and I am rocking it. I am stepped into my power and it feels like I have so much more untapped potential. It doesn't mean I don't feel tired, I absolutely feel tired. I feel like on some days I can't get up - but I know that there is still so much inside me that is going to continue giving. I do not think about tomorrow, I don't think about how long am I going to live, all I care about is what is happening now - my life now.
It is too difficult to plan and scheme. And from what I have seen any scheming always fails in the long run. The best laid plans are cast aside for the truth of your path and in a single moment, like a tsunami, everything you have worked for can be destroyed or changed. So live for now, live the moment eternally.
And you will never regret it nor be disappointed. Find the beauty in the now. If there is one lesson I have learnt that has to be it. Be grateful for everything and live in the now. Be interested, be curious, be alive. Always, always be alive. Alive to the possibilities of everything around you. It is like a walk through the forest, a ride along the roof of the world, swim in the ocean. And you don't have to be incredible to be you - you just have to be yourself to be incredible. Being able to see your own uniqueness is the greatest art, the greatest gift you can give yourself. When you are able to do this, then everything is possible. This key unlocks limitless potential. It is the mathematical formula everyone is waiting for. And it is different for each person. The most important qualities I have learnt about in my life are:
Kindness
Generosity
Softness
Strength
Heading True North
Courage
Openness
Trusting - especially yourself
Most especially trusting yourself that you are heading True North. Always True North. Life is not a performance. It isn't. Life is to be lived.
Right, what did I say I'd do tonight? Yes, I can update the website. And do the Newsletter.
I can do that now actually and when I finish I'll head to the party.
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