Zen

Last Friday Oisin was taken to hospital because I thought he had appendicitis. I hate going to hospitals, so I never have anything to do with the doctors if i can help it. I was hoping I would be told I was overreacting and be asked to go home. Instead, he came very close to an operation he did not have to have. It was only because he protested that he still has a kidney.

In the meantime, the GCSE Art exam was due to be marked. He came out of hospital on Monday and we worked all through Monday, Monday night and all of Tuesday night to get it sorted. Finally we managed to get it all together on Wednesday morning and off to the school it was dispatched. 

I was utterly shattered when it was all over. I had no idea if I was coming or going. Between the possibility of operation and the stress of the GCSEs, it was a completely head melt. By the time yesterday rolled round, I was in bed by eight pm and immobile. Such is the life of a teacher. But also the mother.

And just like that this week passed.

It has been so strange to put everything to one side and just have every moment of my waking life filled. Sometimes I would wake at 2 am and then facebook forever. And then fall asleep. The house was cleaned by Peter yesterday. I have just been unable to keep on top of it. Peter does clean the place, but the hoovering and laundry does tend to be done by me. He is god at doing dishes and tidying the living room. 

To add to our woes, Zen, our cat is missing. When I say missing, it is not good. All our cats who have gone missing never return. We had this with our first three cats and the Zen's sister. Now Zen is gone. I wonder if someone is taking cats. Zen was a very timid cat so he would always return home after a short while. He never spent the night out. He had been spayed. I never thought I could miss a cat so much, but the person who REALLY misses him is Ghin who absolutely adores him. And Zen adores Ghin. It has been so sad not having Zen here when we come down. Ghin is the gentlest little boy and he takes care of Zen completely. If Zen is gone, I don't know what will happen with him. It will be a pain in his heart he will never be able to erase.

I can still see Zen, even now. Under the table in his little basket, or up the tree, being teased by the birds. I hope that wherever he is he is alright. Not frightened or in pain. Little Zen. He was the sweetest cat. Very nervous, never interested in being petted or cuddled, but still, extremely affectionate. And he utterly loved Ghin. Ghin was his human because Ghin didn't have to force Zen to love him. I am just devastated. There is a massive Zen shaped hole in our lives. Ghin was in tears yesterday and I thought, maybe Zen will be back, but he was right. Zen was a creature of habit and if he wasn't around he was always nearby. He would come when we whistled for him.

I am sooooo tired.

I am trying to blog in the vain hope that getting all this out will help me move on.

I haven't been running either and eating stupidly. Ironically, being in hospital means trips to MacDonalds. I had a Fish burger and a Quarter Pounder and then after that I couldn't even smell MacDonalds anymore.

I have so much to do I am not sure where I should start, but I think CLEANING the house is always a good beginning. 

It is a beautiful late spring day. Spring has finally arrived now. The beech tree at our house has taken ages to come into leaf. It is so late this year, usually by the time the Summer term begins it is in full leaf. Even now only a few leafbuds have come into being.

The elder and hazel are well on their way. Today I should garden. That's what I should do. Garden and then do the inside of the house later. I think I will ask Peter to look after the boys today so I can get things done around the house.

RIGHT.

I think I must remember that life is full. My life especially, has always been full. I have always lived it to the max. If I am not doing something then I feel it is time wasted. The corollary to that for a small percentage of the day, I do downtime and THAT is also ok.

I feel awful when I do downtime, especially if there is so much to be done, but let us face it so much will never ever get done. It will just never ever be finished. And that's fine. I need to breathe.

Ghin asked me a couple of days ago, if you had to live your life again, which bits would you relive? What was your favourite time? And I answered him, this:

I said that I have always loved where I am. Especially now. There is something quite special about being in your 40s. What I have learnt is how much I have to learn and what is really nice is that I have learned how to learn things quickly. As you get older you realise how much you don't know and you become more and more open - and this helps you to learn faster. You become better at life. 

Conversely I said I really found my teenage years and my 30s hard. Mostly because I was trying to change your dad. But if I knew now what I knew then, I would have stopped looking towards him for any support and instead concentrated more on the both of you, which have always, always been the lights in my life since you were around. So, if there were parts I wanted to relive again, maybe those, but with the knowledge that I have today. There would be far less drama, because I now know that drama is pointless.

I am sure Ghin didn't bargain for such a self involved answer. But it is true. About being where I am.

RIGHT. For the second time.

Oh Zen, please come home. We miss you sooo soo much.