Resurrection
Yesterday I went to bed mostly depressed. For many reasons. But something odd happened. And that odd thing was I gave up. I just said to myself, fuck it. I can't do anything about anything, so I am just going to bed and hope because tomorrow is another day.
I have never done that before. I have never downed tools and admitted defeat, never in my life. Normally I beat myself around the head and go, come on you can do this and end up in some recovery position. But nope, this time I went it is all shit. And went to bed.
It was not a peaceful sleep. I woke up three times in six hours. But the last round of sleep I had was dreamless and when I got up, i felt much better.
I felt, I knew completely, that the universe had my back. Whatever happened, whatever happens, we will be alright. Even if it is not alright.
I know this sounds a bit much and grandoise, but it was like making a journey back from the dead. To know you are going to hit bottom and then to not stop yourself - just to let go and say, it doesn't matter. It really doesn't matter anymore not because it will be alright but because i don't care. Then to let go.
So I had my own Easter experience. My own returning to the light.
Today I will celebrate just a teensy weensy bit. By being good to myself. By being kind to myself. By going easy on myself. For the past three days I have beaten myself up about not getting on with the housework, etc. Today I will just take time off and be kind, be gentle. Look after myself.
My eye infection is much better now but will probably benefit from not having my lenses in for the next few days. God, it has been hell going through the dark night of the soul, as they call it. Normally what happens is that external events cause the fracture, the fissure. This time it wasn't that. This time, it was my soul going, you know there is this bit which you have still not been introduced to yet. I think it is time to meet it. This unvarnished part of you. It will always be there, it has always been there. Time you met it. And so, it will always be there... but it has also been redeemed not by being prettied up, but by being acknowledged and accepted. By being witnessed. It was an unexpected experience.
I have decided to return to the blog once again. To no longer put my life in FB because it has become a completely different medium from when it first began. Thank god for my blog. A place to come to and reflect and to archive bits of my life.
To celebrate quietly.
It really feels like the end of a journey I didn't even know I was making. Many years ago a friend said to me that the curriculum which the Class Teacher had to do was a form of initiation. That it was about the Class Teacher's journey. I understand this now. Being dragged kicking and screaming into places which I'd rather not go into. Talk about working outside your comfort zone. I've always though my comfort zone was quite large - but not large enough it seems.
Right. I just need to get my energy back and then have faith I will be alright and back to the bouncy old me again. My bed is surrounded by books - and all kinds of books. 1001 nights, Shakespeare, Dante, quantum physics, sacred geometry, DIY - just books, loads and loads of books.
I love the silence of the night. To have this chance to work and think quietly. It has been very peaceful in general. My mom recently asked me, I haven't heard from you, I was wondering if you bergerung? I told her, nope my begerunging days are over. If there is ONE thing I have learned in the passing years is that I stand my ground. I no longer really pay attention to the general whinging of other people. It is what it is, i reckon and you might as well just say what is on your mind in the middle of an argument because you just might as well. And I feel SO MUCH BETTER for it.
Never shut up, never be quiet, almost certainly never be good. All of that shit never applied to me anyway and you know what, as the years have passed I am really glad that I just about did what I wanted to do. In this way, the regrets are kept to an absolute minimum.
It feels like I am waking up from a long sleep - or a detour was made without me even knowing and ... who knows what the immediate future holds. But for now, insights have taken place for which I am grateful. The universe has my back, and everything will be well, even if it is not well.
I have never done that before. I have never downed tools and admitted defeat, never in my life. Normally I beat myself around the head and go, come on you can do this and end up in some recovery position. But nope, this time I went it is all shit. And went to bed.
It was not a peaceful sleep. I woke up three times in six hours. But the last round of sleep I had was dreamless and when I got up, i felt much better.
I felt, I knew completely, that the universe had my back. Whatever happened, whatever happens, we will be alright. Even if it is not alright.
I know this sounds a bit much and grandoise, but it was like making a journey back from the dead. To know you are going to hit bottom and then to not stop yourself - just to let go and say, it doesn't matter. It really doesn't matter anymore not because it will be alright but because i don't care. Then to let go.
So I had my own Easter experience. My own returning to the light.
Today I will celebrate just a teensy weensy bit. By being good to myself. By being kind to myself. By going easy on myself. For the past three days I have beaten myself up about not getting on with the housework, etc. Today I will just take time off and be kind, be gentle. Look after myself.
My eye infection is much better now but will probably benefit from not having my lenses in for the next few days. God, it has been hell going through the dark night of the soul, as they call it. Normally what happens is that external events cause the fracture, the fissure. This time it wasn't that. This time, it was my soul going, you know there is this bit which you have still not been introduced to yet. I think it is time to meet it. This unvarnished part of you. It will always be there, it has always been there. Time you met it. And so, it will always be there... but it has also been redeemed not by being prettied up, but by being acknowledged and accepted. By being witnessed. It was an unexpected experience.
I have decided to return to the blog once again. To no longer put my life in FB because it has become a completely different medium from when it first began. Thank god for my blog. A place to come to and reflect and to archive bits of my life.
To celebrate quietly.
It really feels like the end of a journey I didn't even know I was making. Many years ago a friend said to me that the curriculum which the Class Teacher had to do was a form of initiation. That it was about the Class Teacher's journey. I understand this now. Being dragged kicking and screaming into places which I'd rather not go into. Talk about working outside your comfort zone. I've always though my comfort zone was quite large - but not large enough it seems.
Right. I just need to get my energy back and then have faith I will be alright and back to the bouncy old me again. My bed is surrounded by books - and all kinds of books. 1001 nights, Shakespeare, Dante, quantum physics, sacred geometry, DIY - just books, loads and loads of books.
I love the silence of the night. To have this chance to work and think quietly. It has been very peaceful in general. My mom recently asked me, I haven't heard from you, I was wondering if you bergerung? I told her, nope my begerunging days are over. If there is ONE thing I have learned in the passing years is that I stand my ground. I no longer really pay attention to the general whinging of other people. It is what it is, i reckon and you might as well just say what is on your mind in the middle of an argument because you just might as well. And I feel SO MUCH BETTER for it.
Never shut up, never be quiet, almost certainly never be good. All of that shit never applied to me anyway and you know what, as the years have passed I am really glad that I just about did what I wanted to do. In this way, the regrets are kept to an absolute minimum.
It feels like I am waking up from a long sleep - or a detour was made without me even knowing and ... who knows what the immediate future holds. But for now, insights have taken place for which I am grateful. The universe has my back, and everything will be well, even if it is not well.
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