The holidays

Magical happenings by the firelight in Forest School at our Advent Festival

Over the next few weeks, I am looking forward to chilling. Ah, to chill. Walking in the woods, around lakes, visiting friends (if i have any left)... taking my time to clean the house, get the garden ready for planting in the spring, painting, listening to music... I can't wait. Winter. I love winter. I haven't always loved winter. It has taken my many many years to learn to savour it, but now that I have stayed here for nearly 20 years, my god, i wouldn't be without it.

Firstly, there are the TREES. The trees become so beautiful in the winter. Their branches are sculptural and I could spent all day gazing at them, no matter what the weather. In the pellucid, translucent light OR the grey, wet rain filled days - then the water drips from them, like liquid silver. And even when it is blowing outside. I am safe inside and grateful for the comfort it brings. Then there are the shorter days. I love the shorter days... and when you think it has gone far too short, the light returns. And the light will be returning soon! In two days time it will be the solstice and then the constriction will end. We will be released back into the upswing of the year and I am grateful that I get to greet this quietly, through the school holidays, with the boys.

Everything else really then is just window dressing. Everything else just falls into place.

Gosh, I am so looking forward to the quiet. It has been too too long.

My days are just filled with activity - sometimes I never get to go to the bathroom until well past midday. It is constantly listening, and finetuning and responding. To everyone all the time. I wonder what are the unknown lessons I have learnt.

I think showing compassion - I mean REALLY showing compassion. Be a teacher to discover the depths to which you must plumb to find whatever it is which is in yourself to be the best that you can be.

When I look back on this year, i think my big take away will be how tired I was. And when I look back on the last bout of tiredness it has to do with the menopause, which began to show itself big time in hot flushes. This was the first time it manifested itself. All the attendant emotional craziness was also there - and I have to say that if it wasn't for my sons and my mum god knows where I would be now. Other things - well, finally understanding what the rest of my life for the time being will be dedicated to. I know that I need to think of something practical between now and then, but following the sacred, trying to remember to bring it into the everyday is now my task.

What else? Being happy with everything I have. One day, it may all be gone... and then where would I be? I recently attended a dinner with people who just loved name dropping. It prevented them from having a real conversation about who they really were. These conversations I find incredibly tedious - the ones where everyone is trying to impress each other. I wonder why bother having conversations if they are just about oneupmanpship. The other thing which struck me was, clearly they were trying to impress upon each other how important they were - and my question would then be, if you are important, that you would have had an influence on the world, and look at the state the world is in. Your self satisfied and smug conversations really don't get you anywhere do they? Instead of boasting away, sharing photos of holidays and meetings you go it, wouldn't it be much better to get on with the job of trying to introduce equality and stability into public life? I have always thought that people who are in public life should be subjected to personality tests. More often than not they are personally ambitious and use their positions to bolster their own egos. It is very exhausting. And they are found in ALL walks of life. Even in my previous job there were people who would go on and on and on about the rare bird they are seen... as I get older I increasingly have very little patience for this kind of conversation. Life is too short.

This doesn't stop me from loving them as people. As human beings they are GREAT, but what's with the need to impress? It makes me so sad to be in conversations where the underlying emotion is fear. Fear of looking stupid, or lesser than, or inadequate. We are enough. That is what I try to convey to the kids everyday. YOU are enough. You bring enough into the world.

Well, that is the end of an incredible year. So much learning and so much doing - I was just saying to a friend that if we think of where we were this time last year, what a contrast. We were just so overstretched and things were so fraught. Come what may, I will have a really good memory from December 2017. I want to take that away, if nothing else.

So, here's to 2017 and everything it has brought it. It is not quite year end yet, but I always date my year from the 21st. The winter solstice. Thank you the universe for everything you have brought to us. It has been simply amazing and magical. Thank you.