Advent

It is the coming of the light. We greet the darkest days and know that in a few short weeks the light will soon return. Over and over again, we race towards this narrowing point of the year to a sharp intake of breath to then, breathe out once more as the light widens and brings the Earth back in. It has been such a year. It was kinda crazy. It felt a bit like I had lost my way, and that at times it felt like I was very alone in that being lost.

What is crazy though is that I was never alone. If anything, there were people around me all the time. I wonder if a butterfly as it slips out of its chrysalis feels this way? Or a baby which announces its readiness to be born. The skin too tight, it can no longer bear the pressure, the disgust of the confines, the loathing, the longing and then the moment of expulsion - bursting into the outer world, a transformed being, for better or for worse?

But there is an extremity of emotion or action in the birth of a child or the emergence of a butterfly. In this case, there is nothing. A strange flatness, a flaccidness. I worry that I will never want to have those feelings again, feelings which have been with me all my life. The ability to plunge and be taken by the spirits, the music, the moment - to be utterly lost. All my life I have watched while others have toiled away in the mines of mundanity, happy to have their cars and their jobs and their status and their security, while I did craaaazy things. I couldn't help doing those crazy things. They wee things which took me. I could not be doing with boredom, or the drudgery. Life was vibrant and alive and so many many hued. How could you just walk that rut of the everyday?

And yet, now I find myself, not just walking that rut but wondering was I mad to have done all that? Was I? Is this what life is now going to be about forever? I know I wished for boredom a few years ago. I told myself I was tired of being flung by the every pounding surf of emotion and passion and truth even. But now... hmmm... when I think about it, maybe I am just a teesy weensy bit bored with boredom.

I don't know.

These are totally First World problems. What's worse though is that I don't really think I have the stomach for drama anymore. Nope. Recently I came home from a friend's house with a bit too much wine in me and the next day I felt awful. In fact I felt so awful I said, never again. It wasn't a hangover, it was more like a "I am too old for this, y'know".

There is a weird thing happening with FB as well now. I no longer put personal things on it anymore. I don't share stuff with people. Apart from school stuff. I don't want to either. I don't see the point. FB has simply become another media platform.

Right. Time to get ready for school. I am soooo tired, honestly. I just can't anymore.

I have just gone to pieces, to pieces.

I think it is me being tired really which has caused all this. I will now plan class.