You are not your anger
Yesterday i was dragged to see two zen films. One was One Mind, a year in the lives of monks in A Chinese Zen Monastery. Another was a talk by Noah Levine. I found both films ok, the first, better than the second. I find the American Zen talkers really annoying - they have this droning, overly placid way of going on and on and on... any how, this morning, i got up and thoughts began to run through my mind and as i felt an up welling of anger inside me, i felt very uncomfortable. I felt like, i can't bear this, it is terrible, it is actually physically hurting me, and then, i remembered, i am not my anger. This is not me. And the feeling instantly passed. It was like i was Jesus and i had told Satan to get behind me. I am not you.
This is a complete revelation. I have never done this before. I mean i have done this, but it was so quick. I remember during the film that i wished and wished and wished that i could not hold onto anger the way i do. Why am i so fucking unskilled, i asked myself. This morning, i was talking to Peter about the nature of suffering. I said, you know Levine is wrong. Or incomplete. He says that we avert pain. Some people like pain, some people like staying in an unskilled state. They are attached to pain. It gives them a reason to live.
And i found myself thinking, i really wish i could not hold onto my own anger, but somehow, it makes me feel RIGHT. Being angry makes me feel like i am justified. My hurt is justified. But it is also like carrying this massive stupid burden around and i don't want it. I don't want to have it.
And today, to be able to just say, you are not me, i am not this pain, that was something special. And then to feel it FADE. I felt a bit as if i had achieved something great. I felt that i had conquered something. Now if only it happened again. I do feel however that over the next few days my new skill will be tried to the max. I must be prepared for this.
This is a complete revelation. I have never done this before. I mean i have done this, but it was so quick. I remember during the film that i wished and wished and wished that i could not hold onto anger the way i do. Why am i so fucking unskilled, i asked myself. This morning, i was talking to Peter about the nature of suffering. I said, you know Levine is wrong. Or incomplete. He says that we avert pain. Some people like pain, some people like staying in an unskilled state. They are attached to pain. It gives them a reason to live.
And i found myself thinking, i really wish i could not hold onto my own anger, but somehow, it makes me feel RIGHT. Being angry makes me feel like i am justified. My hurt is justified. But it is also like carrying this massive stupid burden around and i don't want it. I don't want to have it.
And today, to be able to just say, you are not me, i am not this pain, that was something special. And then to feel it FADE. I felt a bit as if i had achieved something great. I felt that i had conquered something. Now if only it happened again. I do feel however that over the next few days my new skill will be tried to the max. I must be prepared for this.
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