Easter is almost here!

I have a very odd relationship with illness. When i get ill, i get very grumpy. Very grumpy. And i also get completely miserable. The past week has seen me being utterly resigned to dying. Last night i said, please kill me, it would be easier. I would wake up drenched in sweat and then cough until i nearly gave myself a hernia. Well i certainly managed to pull a muscle. I decided that i would no longer take any painkillers because they are just so bad for me. Unless it is for a straightforward condition like my period, having painkillers make my body feel even more useless.

Today, i feel much much better. It is very odd. Last night, i wanted to die. This morning i feel much better. I know that in a few days time i will recover and then it will be ok. This happens all the time. I thought that perhaps now maybe i have a serious hip problem, but thankfully it is just a pulled muscle problem. So i'll be right on track once again. It is very annoying being a human being.

Enough of that. Part of the being unwell has resulted in my being unable to exercise and write. There is barely enough energy to go to school, nevermind do everything else. I just about manage to clean the house at the weekend and keep on top of the small things day to day. But apart from that it is just very very difficult. Today someone asked me if i had been at the Easter Festival long, i said, five years and grinned.

So now that i am feeling better i want to do all these things again. Life is once more looking great. I feel completely capable of changing the world. So this week the being healthy thing starts again - i mean the running and the stretching and the writing. All of that.

I love this time of the year, when everything is possible. It is a good thing i didn't manage to die last night. I watched The Night Train to Lisbon and it was really quite wonderful. It was a meditation on living life to the fullest, doing the right thing. It was about the resistance against the Portuguese fascists which i didn't even know existed. Not even sure if they were fascists. But what really heartened me was the call to live according to one's truth in the light of freedom. The Jeremy Iron's character said, i never did that. Compared to the resistance fighters, they lived their lives utterly and completely you know. It is for this very reason that i have lived my life the way i have - i have made those choices, because it is all about living with courage, to make the most of every moment. To resist in another way, the boxing in of oneself due to self interest. To live selfishly is to not have lived at all. I hear people make excuses all the time for the smallness of the circumference of their lives and i wonder, why are they telling me this? Why do they feel the need to denigrate their own paths? Please, be proud of the lives you have led - say that i have chosen because... it was what i wanted to do, not because someone else forced me to be this way. Because when all is said and done, there is only one lifetime this time round. Live it so that you are as awake as possible,

And do something with that wakefulness. Don't allow it to curdle in the blood to make you become cynical and bitter. Because if you don't do something with it, that is what will happen.

Life is so full of beauty and insists on touching us with it. Let it in. Make it happen. Hold the fire in your heart as you would a butterfly in your hands.