Cantering, soldering, picnics and seeds
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| The corner of my table in the conservatory |
So much happens during the day, especially now there is sunshine. The boys and i sat in the garden yesterday. I had just bought some climbing roses and sweet brier and the boys were having brunch of hotdogs and juice. I had smoked salmon and cheese bread. We laughed and enjoyed the heat. It has been a holiday of two halves. I had planted out the primroses and i had just also got some lettuce. It was very cheap at Lidl and i wanted to see if these things worked. Later i would go and get some ankle length wellies... clean up my mom's house and do some laundry. Later still i would go horse riding and jump several times in canter.
I said to myself i would learn to canter this year. It is getting there. I can now sit in canter and the horse is doing what i ask it to. It will be awhile yet when i feel completely confident cantering. But it is getting there.
I was looking back at the past two years. It has been a long time since i have done a review consciously. I don't do reviews anymore because i have learned to live one day at a time. I have also learned to love each day. No more plans, just doing stuff and enjoying it. I don't enjoy doing them the same was i used to either. I think i no longer see the point. As the world seems to grow in noise and insistence on the latest on this and the latest on that, i just put my head down and get on with it.
I love the smell of soil and of the air at this time of the year. Especially at this time of the morning. It reminds me of Singapore when i was a teenager and there were still early morning smells. Of the lifeforces emerging from the earth, of dew and growth. Oisin is becoming a really wonderful young man. He cooked a meal from scratch yesterday and it was ridiculously delicious. He made a dessert of white chocolate mousse and cream. One of the greatest pleasures is cooking with Oisin. He is so chilled and calm and at the same time very funny. He also received news that he passed with merit in his piano exams. And yesterday evening he did more soldering to build yet another charger circuit. He juggles. He has a deep interest in all his school work. He is earnest and passionate. He is very very calm and loving. He is kind. So so kind. Helpful. We are very lucky to have Oisin.
One of the things i no longer do is purposely seek out new experiences. I find that they just sort of happen to me. They seek me out. It is weird. I am learning so much, so much. I am learning to now play the recorder. I am learning about growing things. I am learning how to crochet. I am learning how to bake and build and do stuff. As the children learn, i learn too.
I am learning to clean up. I now put my gardening tools away after every session. No excuses any more. I now wash up after every cup and every dish. As i cook i clean. It feels like i am now grown up. When we go to a B&B i keep the room tidy and make sure that we hang up our clothes. Even if it is for one night.
I also no longer seek out extreme experiences. Perhaps that is the prerogative of being young. I love the simple things. I love routine. Routine is the centre of the wheel around which the rest of my life spins. When i think of all the misdirection i was given by the world when i was young, i am so grateful that i no longer have that. I am so glad that i now do what i do because of precisely this. The deadening and pointlessness of activity is true for anywhere - it does not matter if it is the civil service, environmental movement or the private sector. In fact i don't think you could call it a movement. But i am not bitter. I learnt so much in it and i met so many many wonderful people too. People whom to this day i am in very close touch with, which mean so very much to me and my life. And at the end of the day, it is about the people. When organisations start to take over i become very wary.
Today i received building materials for the school. Two bags of cement and some sand. It is very humbling to think that these things can be sent to you for a few pound. In the past you would have had to go and dig the sand yourself and haul it home. We live in the age of convenience. Truly we do.
All this doing has taught me several things. But the most important thing is warm observation, or compassionate detachment. To not be attached to the outcome, but the process. And not just be attached to it - that's the wrong word. To be truly interested in it. And be honest when you are not. But then there is Will. I give thanks that at this late age i am being forced to work with my will. It is such a gift because it keeps me awake. Awake to everything. It stops the So Whatness of life from occurring. When i work with the will in warmth the universe says, pay attention Stephanie. Stay awake. The result will always be good if you are doing what you do with real love.
This seems self evident, but when you have to work with children and plants, this is really the learning, to let go of the egotism and to be completely present.
Well i am OFF to a biodynamic conference on compost today. And i am soooo excited. Really i can't wait. And we will be camping out on a wetland. So i am going to take lots of notes and pictures. It is simply just a perfect end of a perfect week,
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