An infinitely good mood

Yesterday, after breaking the back of organising stuff in the classroom, i unashamedly binged on the documentaries on BBC iPlayer. I watched one Simon Schama about the crazy Platagenets, Henry II and his mad children and tortured wife, and Beckett, and then i watched three episodes of Horizon back to back - Infinity, Fermat's Last Theorem and Science Under Attack. After that i read Murakami until i fell asleep. I also went horseriding and ate five slices of toast with marmite and butter for dinner. I drank lots of water and fell into a deep deep sleep and woke at 5 am.

The combination of all of these, when i woke up, made me feel like i had a hangover, even though i hadn't had a drink for a few days. I woke to bird song, possibly blackbird, and then i thought about what i thought about last night - which was infinity. Murakami wrestles with it in each work he has, magic realism is the deus ex machina which he uses to do this. Falling through reality.

Then I thought, of all the things in the world, what have people mostly done with the concept of infinity? They have attempted to find out if there are infinite Earths and on these infinite Earths are there people who are exactly like them. In fact, they have constantly attempted to prove parallel universes. Why would they do this? Of all the things we can fantasise about using the concept of infinity, we are so conceited and try to imagine the various lives we may have led. It is like some child's day dream. It is the mathematical equivalent of drug taking. The escape from reality. Instead of trying to live with it, we try and escape from it and infinity is the get out clause. What is paradoxical is that we can never escape infinity. It is the one thing we can't do with it.

I mean i understand this impulse. When life is shit, it is very tempting to try and escape and starting all over again is the the ultimate escape. This is completely possible with a universe where everyone is being born and dying all at the same time. It is the drunkard's second chance extrapolated into the event horizon.

This put me in an infinitely good mood though, because what it meant was that fear was completely pointless. There is nothing to be afraid of. If everything is possible and permitted, then everything has happened already - in which case fear is pointless. This is pretty much how children see the world - but from the other side. It would be good if we were able to take all the infinities that life has thrown at us and then come out the otherside, feeling exactly the way children feel. Fearless. But with wisdom. That requires courage.

After breakfast today, which was more Marmite and toast, and after washing the dishes and taking out the garbage, i thought about infinity again and i suddenly realised how pointless anger was. Of all the emotions in the world, anger is probably the most silly emotion we can have. And i say this as someone who spent a lot of my time being angry. It is must better to recognise that something is not right and just change it. I know there are some people who can do this, just move from its not right to wht are we going to do about it without the drama. However for about 99% of the human race what often happens is that when something doesn't go according to plan, anger just falls across the path, like some dead tree and blocks it.

I can see how pointless it is now. I think i will resolve to kick the anger habit. I will just go from problem - should it occur - to thinking and then solution. No matter how painful or hurtful the situation is. No matter how crazy the other person becomes i will not be angry. Because it is pointless.

It should be interesting.

Ive already decided that next year i am going to travel to two places... Iona and the Skelligs. And selttle most of the other things that need settling. And all this can be done, i know now, with no drama. Or i shall try at least. In an infinite universe, anything is possible.