Y-A-W-N!!!!!

Ghin examines the beeswax candles on the nature table.

Annoyance. I've been thinking about the times i get annoyed. I have narrowed it down to one thing - control. See anger happens when i'm wrong headedly trying to protect myself - when i'm feeling vulnerable. Annoyance happens when i can't control something. And it could be something big or something small. When i feel myself getting annoyed, i now try to say - let it go.

It works. Most of the time. It is also far more fiddly and difficult than anger. Anger's nastiness is more identifiable - more reprehensible...and so easier to manage. Annoyance - i tend to think that i'm justified in feeling annoyed because i think that no rational/sane person would do X Y or Z which is making me annoyed. However, i know in my heart of hearts it is yet another obstacle to peace that i must lay aside....

Arrogance, i have observed, happens to people who think they are better than others - which is a given, i guess, but also to people who are impatient.

So why haven't i blogged recently. Because i've been so fecking tired, that's why.

One year and a bit of not sleeping properly and being more or less at the back and call of the most irrational tyrant in the shape of a 13 month old has made me slightly quavery.

Other bits which have occurred to be during this time of non-blogging.

Skill.

I have discovered this place between happiness and sadness, contentment and discontentment, of feeling and numbing - it's not even between. Positionwise it's what white light is to the spectrum. A while back, i understood that my understanding of the Practise was like a pose - and poses are easily unveiled for the artifice they are. So everytime something uncontrolled happened to me, i'd get thrown off balance. Lately, i have glimpsed and been at this place which i can only describe as being alive. I can't exactly describe it, but i can describe it's effects. When something annoying/bad/uncontrollable/painful happens to me, instead of reacting in the way i usually react, i see it as a moment to awaken. An image that has come to me is a martial artist sitting in silent contemplation. You approaching her to land blows between her shoulders and instead of allowing that to occur, she wkaes suddenly and parries or sidesteps the blow expertly. It is her chance to show herself that she is a master.

It's cool. The more sudden and unexpected, the more skill is required - and when it does work, the sense of acheivement is pretty good. I'd like to arrive at a place where i don't even realise i'm doing it. It'll probably be a while yet. I was also recently told that i was only pretending to work on these things. Ah well, pretense or reality - whose to say which is which?

Also, i've done a bit of buying in Ikea. I've decided to organise one room at a time - and Peter and i have agreed on a loft conversion. And a conservatory.

So i'm starting work on both probably sometime next week, when Oisin's in after school now. Three days a week - Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays.

Today i met an atheist. I used to be an atheist. It was interesting. I used to have arguments with Hui Theng who was agnostic - she said it was like having an insurance policy. I said it was rather wishy-washy. Choose sides, woman, i'd say. Can't, she'd reply a giggle uncontrollably. She giggled uncontrollably at everything, so it wasn't unexpected. But being an atheist is also a position of faith - you have to believe in your disbelief. Because, quite rightly, as HT used to point out, there was no conclusive evidence either way. These are preoccupations of Catholic school girls i think. As a mother, the vajrayana is far more practical.

I was thinking that compassionate pragmatism is an interesting moral position to take as well...

Also bought Goro Miyazaki's Tales from Earthsea. It was a return to the pared down simplicity and elegance of Nausicaa and Laputa, with the depth and skill which the years had given the studio. I loved the message of the importance of the Balance and Life being meaningless without Death. How light is also shadow. However, i did miss the trademark nevergiving up one someone which the other Ghibli films had. I was sad that the Evil Lord Cob died a painful awful death. Usually there is reconciliation in his films...

Other things...we had an impromptu lunch at Deanes this weekend - Ghin, myself joined by Anita and Lucy. We then followed that by an ale tasting session in Lara's house. Ah the life i lead...