The truth about me...
Peter told me to go out tomorrow night - see a film he said. So i'm going to see Beowolf, which i'm looking forward to. Anime and Anglo Saxon myth making, it can't get any better right? Perhaps a few years ago i would have called up a few friends and thought, right three bottles of wine. But even as i write this it all seems such a pointless way of enjoying myself. It will be hard for anyone to believe this, and i hardly believe myself, but the truth is...i no longer enjoy drinking. Gasp, shock horror!!! Mostly because i no longer get a buzz out of drinking - red wine is out of the question because i get very ill when i do drink it and white wine just doesn't do anything for me. And then i don't want to drink anything else. The last time we drank - which was last Saturday, Peter brought home a bottle of red and we only finished half of it together while watching a film.
It is weird, isn't it? And kinda scary that i used to drink the amounts that i did. But it's like doing housework... if you're doing or not doing something that works for you, you'll continue to do/not do it, as it were... so i'm still continuing with the Holy Trinity of housekeeping everyday. The laundry, trash and dishes. Sometimes i do get it right and sometimes i don't. Sometimes it does accummulate, but and this again is going to sound weird, it's a question of getting used to doing the housework. Previously i was unused to doing it and so it seemed a chore. Now that i'm used to doing it, it doesn't. It's like brushing your teeth, or washing your hair. You just keep practising and soon it doesn't seem like an additional extra. Having your hands wet isn't a weird feeling. Doing the dishes, standing at the sink doesn't feel like a waste of time. Emptying out a mostly empty bin doesn't feel unnecessary. It feels like part of the day. Like my running. Or bathing Ghin. Or cooking.
And this afternoon, an unexepcted gift of time. Lara was taking Oisin today because it was a playdate with Jago. I was going to meet Tracy to discuss PR for the school. However her son got ill and had to be taken to the doctor. So i had nothing to do in the afternoon. After faffing around a bit, and even making a trip to Curry's for vaccuum cleaner bags, i got home, put on a video and then Ghin got quite sleepy at 2. I wondered to myself what will i do now all the chores have been done and then i thought, i'm not doing anything. I'm just going to sleep beside him. And so we both slept. Till 4. And it was the most luxurious blessed sleep i had had in ages.
Oisin and i then made a pizza for dinner and after that we shared a hot chocolate pudding. Little highlights, little happinesses... little pleasures, that is how our days are woven.
I must take more photographs. Ghin changes everyday. He now is able to make sounds when he claps his hands - which he wasn't able to previously. He dances to music and loves to sing. Oisin thinks that French kissing is called 'sexy'. I was 8 when i was told what sex was. What is a good age to tell Oisin what sex is i wonder? Then i was ten when i discovered in the most unpleasant way possible what oral sex was. It was from this boy who was maybe 14 or sixteen. He was telling us about oral sex. I couldn't believe it. Are these things possible i wondered - and for the longest time i puzzled silently to myself. Do people do these things with each other? It surely can't be true. I can't remember when all this was corroborated, but i certainly did wish that i was introduced to these things in a more intelligent way. When i was 15 i began doing drawings of the human form - we bought the complete illustrated works of Alphonse Mucha and i copied these personifications of Spring, Autumn, Winter, Music, etc. They were sensual and beautiful, if somewhat kitsch...but that's how i discovered the beauty of the body and in a strange way then made a promise to myself that when i did finally have sex, it was to be beautiful because that is how i would respect this most incredible of creations. It's strange looking back and thinking about it... i wonder if i never did do those drawings into the dark hours of the morning - as i took a break from studying - what would my take on life have been - on the body... my own and on others... i so desperately hope that when Oisin does learn about sex and about the body that it will be accompanied by beauty and love. Because that is what sex is, i think... intimacy, innocence, thoughtfulness and playfulness.
