25.5.24 - Sliabh Criub

The source of the Lagan

Everything must have a beginning

Mystical presence

This used to be beneath the sea

The Raven called

Two days ago I finally made it to Sliabh Cruib. I couldnt see the fabled view because of the mist, but it made me turn inwards.

It made me realise how much I loved being older, loved being alone, loved the solitude. Loved the way in which I was able to just get on with it. To not have the agony of the people around me and the expectations.

It has been ten long but not so long days. At this time of the year, the days all start to merge together, the same way the nights merge together in the winter.

Oisin has had a wonderful time in Singapore. He is hoping to return there. What were my greatest fears for my sons? That somehow they would feel that they were lesser and that they would felt they never belonged. The original sin. And so I made sure that they did not have to face all that unnecessary doubt at a time in their lives before they had to deal with it.

I have carried that ball over the line.

None of this was done with any discussion with Peter by the way. I did this all by myself. The holidays to Singapore, the sense of self. None of it done by him.

But... well, on the 24th actually, I had a bottle of Cremant. My first in 5 months and the following day I did have a hangover. It was perfectly awful and I did not enjoy the drinking at all. It was like something I did for old times sake. I thought, before I did drink, I think I will have this once every half term, but there is literally no benefit in drinking. 

What I MUST do though, is I must do this. journaling and writing. If I am not doing this I am away with the fairies. At this time of the year especially.

The sun shone briefly yesterday. But i was too tired to do anything after I cleaned the house. 

I did the kitchen and laundry and then I decided to sweep the floors instead. It's a good stop gap in between the hoovering. It means I don't have to hoover every week.

As I drove to Slibh Cruib on Friday I just thought, I CANNOT leave this place. I really well and truly detest Singapore. I hate EVERYTHING it stands for. The idiotic materialism. The short termism. The self congratulation. The money oozing from every pore. It is exactly what Oisin loves though, so I don't know what to make of my son. Maybe he will realise that it's all a load of bollocks in his old age.

When he has become very rich and realises that money does have its limits.

But on Friday, when I was up the mountain, the timelessness. I felt joined in time. I felt held by the land. I felt surrounded by the life force and I felt part of the entirety of the cosmos. Here we are, part of the entire story and tapestry of the human race. This is everything. This means everything.

It was comforting. Myself dissolving into nothing and this nothing will be here forever. All of this, here, forever. This planet, even if devoid of life, will continue forever. Time means nothing. Time is nothing. Our trips round the sun, the swell and retreat of the moon, the crumbling and the building of trees and mountains and rivers... everything, everything remains. Time layered upon time, and we are nothing.

I love being able to have perspective. Being older is like being on the top of the mountain of life. Of time. You understand the terrain. The terrain of life. There is no need to react badly nor poorly any longer. Everything is as it is. 

You have been through enough suffering to be part of humanity. You are no longer insulated from life. You have merged with it and there is literally no more fearing. and looking at the source of the Lagan - the entire mountain is essentially its source, you can't help but this how many millions of years it has taken for the river to appear.