Knowledge of Your Higher Self
I was having a conversation with someone when i realised i was becoming a bit neurotic. I dont know how it is for other people but my neurosis goes like this... I feel antipathy towards whatever is being talked about and i shut down. I feel mean and pissed off inside and it does not show. Which makes it ok right? Of course it does not. Because it builds up like some toxic waste and one day there will be a ground water leakage thingy...this was particularly bad in Singapore. Not with friends but with random strangers. Which i think makes it even worse.
Anyway, this time instead of becoming neurotic slowly i thought, work from my highest self. And you know what...it WORKED. What were the effects of this working?
1. i could breathe. I realised that i had stopped breathing properly momentarily.
2. I could hear what the other person was saying which was very important, of course.
3. I could be positive about what was being said or if not i could be supportive. I had stopped being judgemental.
4. I found myself enjoying myself.
What really surprised me was how often i had to do it. Do i really feel this shit about people and myself in everyday conversations i thought as i called on my highest self for the fifteenth time. Honestly, am i such a dweeb? I thought i was a really nice person. It would appear that i am a touch insane and harbour crazy thoughts about perfectly normal people. Although i have to say there is no such thing as a normal person.
Anyway, i left the meeting feeling in balance with the universe. A tiny bit balanced. Not smug and self satisfied, but sort of like having had a wonderfully refreshing stroll in a lakeside wood just before dusk. I was at peace.
That was really good i thought i really must try that again.
The upshot i think of this year has been for me to grow once again. I do not know when i will ever be finished growing. Really. When i will ever be done with it. I thought that i had done all the painful growing i needed to do in tis lifetime and then i was ripped apart, eviscerated, nailed in various places and made to suffer. All my life i will never ever forget the suffering i did this Lent. The scary thing is that i know i could be in for worse in the future.
But from suffering comes wisdom, or so i am told. I feels as if i have stepped out of the chrysalis and i am now gingerly airing my crumpled wings. Rebirth? Where to now?
I dont know for what really. Was that really necessary? I would rather i had not had the source nor the consequences of the suffering visited upon me. If i was given a choice at the very start would i have said yes? I really do not know. But somehow i must have agreed to it at some point in my heart and soul. As i write this i think of Jesus suffering in the garden of Gethsemene saying If this be your will let this cup of suffering pass.... But he still went ahead with it. I think that is how i feel. I have achieved a growing despite myself.
Perhaps it was to be able to in a simple conversation to say... Work from your highest self so that no matter where i am i will always find a deep delight in being with people despite our suffering. Because we all suffer. It doesn't seem like much now, but perhaps one day it will all make sense. Perhaps one day it will.
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