Dream
Last night i dreamt one of those dreams that made me feel i was walking through a place that was between here and there. Everything seemed real, there were even smells, and in this dream the smell was of decaying and broken drains. Every building, and there were so many, was abandoned. All the windows had been smashed in, the void decks were litter strewn and water dripped, creating pools of brackish slime.
In my dream, i looked harder at the flats and saw that many of them had fresh laundry hanging outside. Lights were on, and the cooking pots bubbled with stew. People lived here. People stayed here. I then remembered an invitation and went into a ground floor apartment. Inside it was luxurious. Inside, the space was like one of those 1960s apartments, massive and spacious, and everything was new. There was a party with beautiful people. I didn't recognise the hosts, but i seemed to know them. Then i saw my parents. They were delighted that i was able to make it.
At the buffet table, i saw someone who has been dead to me for a long time now. I didn't look. I didn't say anything. This person then came up to me and started to talk. And i cut them short. I said, i'm not talking to you, and waked away. And then they followed me. And i said, i told you, i'm not talking to you. Why? I didn't say it, but thought, because what i have to say had nothing good in it. Then, they told me that someone they knew was very ill. So, i said. Then i decided that i would say what was on my mind.
And i said it. And when i finished, it felt very good. I saw that this person had long hair. I also saw that they understood for the first time, that what they had suspected about what had gone on, was true. The hurt and selfishness. You are a coward.
Then i disappeared to the bedrooms, upstairs.
When i woke, the dream stayed with me for such a long time. It's there because this is not how i would behave. I am able to let things go. And when i can't, i'm able to be nice and to keep things to myself.
That's the me of now.
For that strange dream time, i was the me of then.
But i felt nothing for this person. A deadness. It was as if this person didn't exist in the first place. Or if they did, i longed for them to no longer exist.
In my dream, i looked harder at the flats and saw that many of them had fresh laundry hanging outside. Lights were on, and the cooking pots bubbled with stew. People lived here. People stayed here. I then remembered an invitation and went into a ground floor apartment. Inside it was luxurious. Inside, the space was like one of those 1960s apartments, massive and spacious, and everything was new. There was a party with beautiful people. I didn't recognise the hosts, but i seemed to know them. Then i saw my parents. They were delighted that i was able to make it.
At the buffet table, i saw someone who has been dead to me for a long time now. I didn't look. I didn't say anything. This person then came up to me and started to talk. And i cut them short. I said, i'm not talking to you, and waked away. And then they followed me. And i said, i told you, i'm not talking to you. Why? I didn't say it, but thought, because what i have to say had nothing good in it. Then, they told me that someone they knew was very ill. So, i said. Then i decided that i would say what was on my mind.
And i said it. And when i finished, it felt very good. I saw that this person had long hair. I also saw that they understood for the first time, that what they had suspected about what had gone on, was true. The hurt and selfishness. You are a coward.
Then i disappeared to the bedrooms, upstairs.
When i woke, the dream stayed with me for such a long time. It's there because this is not how i would behave. I am able to let things go. And when i can't, i'm able to be nice and to keep things to myself.
That's the me of now.
For that strange dream time, i was the me of then.
But i felt nothing for this person. A deadness. It was as if this person didn't exist in the first place. Or if they did, i longed for them to no longer exist.
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