Crimson tide

Farmers in the making. I took this shot of Oisin's class planting potatoes. Oisin is o the right flying up to me. He came over and gave me this huge hug going Mommy!!! It never felt more real the fact that i was his mommy. Sigh.





And his mommy too. Less than two months ago Ghin couldn't walk without the aid of his pushy dog. Now he is able to spin around in circles, bend at the knees, walk with some degree of confidence or assistance. I don't understand how it all happened so quickly.





I think my period must be due. I found myself wishing - it's been a long long time since i wished or indeed blamed my period for anything. It is my second period and along with the usual stuff, i do feel so fat. Sigh... What did i wish for? I wished i was back with my mom in Singapore. It is said that before people die, they ask for their mothers. I wonder if that's true? I can see that. I can see why.

I dug and dug through the shed and came up with lots of stuff. Unfortunately a lot of the paper that i had brought over from Singapore was destroyed by the damp and skates. Miraculously somethings did survive. Paintings that Andrew did. I forgot how many there were. Loads. My folder i created from our trip to China. And what a different China that was! Pictures of me graduating. I didn't look so different, i think. I looked at each item with a fusion of feeling - and somehow, when i think of how much i felt when each one was being created, those feelings i held were nothing - mere whispers, ghosts, echos of what once was. I could never contort myself that way any longer. The only thing i could imagine would do that to me is a death of someone very close. But never again would i be able to feel love, excitement, expectation, like that again. How was it ever possible? The peak experience was no longer possible. It seemed more spread out. I was more circumspect. The moment was everything - and it still is - but it was everything in the completely opposite sort of way. I clung to the moment, as if it was a branch and i was falling. I sucked on it greedily. I insisted on it's staying, it's presence. When i look back i feel a bit embarrassed at how needy this mode of existence seemed.

What have i taken from this time in my life? What hasn't changed? Friends. Friends are important. But my sense of self is far stronger now. Love and affection for all - but it is balanced with tolerance as well. I was the most intolerant person back then. Dear god. I just bloody knew it all. Insufferable. Are all twenty somethings like that? Scary. Um...what else? Not giving up - but now doing stuff is quieter. I don't have to prove myself. I just am. I don't have this fear any longer - of not being able to live up to things, or failing. That is a great feeling. I'm more forgiving of myself. And of others. The weird thing is that ten years ago all these additional qualities would have seemed indications of being soft in the middle. Of compromising. Such a bad word to me then. Now they are signs that i have lived. Have been through real battles of my own.

However, on occassion, i do feel this is still unreal.

Suicide. Someone i knew recently did this. All my life i was told that suicide was a selfish act. That people who did this were weak. I cannot adhere to this view any longer. People who kill themselves are no longer in a rational state of mind. If anything at all they deserve compassion, not judgement. I can understand how we who are left behind feel angry that they dared do this, that they dared cause all this suffering...perhaps we should just say i am angry that this person has done this...and then stop judging after that.