Today I woke up and I had a mild panic. I was worried that I had 'lost' that feeling for connection which I had, and then I realised that this was stupid. I cannot lose it because I am always connected to it. It is always holding me, I am always within it. So there is no need to fear the loss of any connection. It just will not happen. It cannot. You can be aware or unaware of it, but you can't lose it.
I need to go for my run now.
Well it is now today. As in what i wrote was form yesterday. 24 hours have passed. I was sitting in the car and thinking oh no, I am running out of time, when I realised I have all the time I need. God gives us all the time we need. There is always the right amount of time. It was busy yesterday, and it was fulfilling. After school I did some admin and was quite successful. Then I headed down for dinner on my own. Just to relax. God, I am so blessed. After that I went for Study Group. We did Luke 5:12 - 17. It was about the leper which Jesus cured. The leper in the town and we talked about the disease of leperousy and what it meant. How it was isolating and how isolation was a disease. How the Christ impulse healed that disease - in what way it healed it. How it cleaned and made whole. It was quite relevant to me given the past few days and this new realised connection. This new realised connection which has always been there.
As part of the Roman impulse as well, this hardening, so that the body could bear the spirit, that was important too. That was partly Christ's mission to potentise the Earth so that it stopped hardening. He literally had to die so that his blood to bring new life forces to the Earth. I know it is seen as a bit soft minded and superstitious to have this sense of a being, a spiritual being, in which one draws strength and inspiration from. But I have thought very hard about this. And I have also felt. I have read, gone on research quests, looked at many myths and religious system, been animist and pagan and nihilist and atheist. I have done all of these things and currently, I am left with the profound truth of this feeling I have, this connection. This connection which holds me and which replenishes me, which reminds me to be kinder, which gives me strength. This connection which is a gift, which has appeared out of nowhere. It is without a religion or a system. It arrived when I was watching a film, for godsake. What am I to make of it?
I was reading a new book Peter got on critiquing the current Western practice of Zen which is science based. Intellectuals like this science based Zen because it helps them have a spirituality which is not mystical. It was a relief to see that my objections to what I understood as mindfulness were all echoed in the book. When you practice any spirituality, especially Zen, there is no destination. You do it, especially Zen, you show up, with no strings attached. No hopes and wishes for the future. Initially this might be the case, but it is hoped that with years of sitting, this eventually melts away and all you are left with is you, sitting. That is all. Any benefits you derive are neither here nor there. The whole point is to sit. There are no words.
And there is always the mysticism - the ineffable. The unknown. Whatever blessing may come will only come when you are ready and you will never understand it. You will never hope to understand it. It is beyond comprehension. It is like trying to describe another dimension. There is no language that exists because we are bound here. And that is also a blessing.
It is important that we strive but do not conquer.
To strive but not conquer.
Jesus told the leper not to tell anyone that he had been cured. Why do you think that is? If you have come to yourself and tell people about it... what then? You give yourself away. Stay within yourself. Do not let the judgement of other steal your sense of self. But you know, there is no self in the self.
To drink of this cool cup every morning. To be brimming with the spirit. Yes, it is the spirit. It is not love, it is not kindness nor compassion, nor anything. It is the spirit.
I'll go for my run now and then make breakfast. I have all the time in the world. Within the spirit everything is made possible. I have all the strength I should ever need. Yesterday when I told the Study Group I had become ill as soon as I got back, they said, what was it? I said, it was the flu. They said, ah good - the flu is very incarnating - did you have a fever? I said, oh yes, I was delirious. They said, that is excellent. It means that you have arrived and now you are stronger. I love anthroposophists. They remind me of the mystics in The Dark Crystal.