|Tiamat and Marduk - Assyrian Seal|
It's been ages since i posted. Not because it has been ages, but because I have been deleting everything I've posted.
It has been tough. Mostly because, you know, i am like quite old, well, ok, not really, but OLDER than i used to be, and also because i am facing the menopause. I mean, why the heck shouldn't i talk about it?
The menopause now means that i get my periods like once every three weeks. Well, it feels like that, instead of what used to pass a menopause, once every six weeks. I mean, i don't mind having the menopause. Only that my womb feels like a bloated sponge and it feels like i have perma flu for about three days. All my bones ache and my head hurts. The alternative is that i could have the flu as well... in any case, my body feels like a wet sack of potatoes which i am forced to lug around and by god, my mood is something else.
Everything, like when i have the flu, is like supersharp and at the same time superdull. It is like i am functioning like some strange jellyfish underwater. Normal things seem impossible. I feel fat. I feel dirty. I feel useless. I feel like i just want to crawl into an oxygen tank and stay there forever. I also have overwhelming feelings of, things would be must better if i died. Yes, i am extremely dramatic.
The thing is, Oisin and I do illness and incapacity very badly. When we do fall ill, because we are so seldom ill, we both are dreadful at it. Although, of course, the menopause is not an illness, it is of course incredibly annoying.
This morning i was having hot flushes again. I was perspiring at the breakfast table.
I don't plan to take any hormones. In fact, i refuse to. I must start running again though. Can't wait for the holidays to do that. But tomorrow, that is what i plan to do, go for a run.
On Monday, i went for a lecture called, The Origins of the Irish. What did i learn? That archaeologists are fairly clueless about origin stories. They can GUESS how people lived, but when it comes to origin stories, they really don't know. They are now looking to geneticists to supply answers. I mean, why wouldn't you now that we have the tech?
The other thing i learned was the architecture of the Irish Iron Age forts were unique. They were probably developed in Ireland itself. This is not what the bloke giving the lecture said. What he said was, there are many of these forts in Ireland, a few examples in England and so very few in Europe, so feeble - so we must ask ourselves, where did these forts come from? I think the answer is blindingly obvious. They must have been inventions of the Irish themselves. It won't be the first time that human beings have developed a unique way of doing things on a small island. Many Irish also seem to have originated from the steppes of Europe. The Western steppes. Which is also unsurprising.
In school, we are doing ancient Mesopotamia. The children are becoming amazing artists. We did the classic drawing of Tiamat being slayed by Marduk, the origin of the St George and the Dragon story. It is really kinda wonderful to be able to now say to the children that so much of what we know has come from this part of the world. That this is where the slaying of the dragon story comes from. St George was Libyan. The dragon myth has many interesting parallels with the Sumerian story itself.
Anyhow, back to the menopause. So, now this is the holding pattern, periods, of NOT QUITE, a month. This is great. It is also really annoying. As long as I know though, that's ok. The plus side, is that i don't get them for too long. They last for a few days only, and then they go.
I love being a woman, i really do. Please don't get me wrong. I love the fact that in this life i have chosen or have been given this body. It is not bad at all. I have had the best fun with it. I have had the best time. I have been places. Seen things. I have totally experienced everything which i have felt i needed or wanted to experience. I have given birth, TWICE!!!! I have run races. I have climbed mountains. I have learned things. I have been so grateful to everything i have accomplished. So, i really can't complain. I have had no chronic illnesses.
In the past three years, i asked for a boring life and i received a boring life. It was bliss. Now it is time to no longer have that boring life. The world has knocked on my door and gone, hey yer, time is up now. You have had a holiday for tooo long.
So, here i am again,
I sometimes wonder what it has been like for people who have led regular lives all their lives. You know, the people who did that job which did the nine to five. Do they actually exist? Who did what they were told to, rose through the ranks, steadily, who now have a steady job, it ain't going nowhere... i think my mom and dad had that kind of life. I think they really enjoyed it. I, of course, had the diametrically opposite life. Just always living with the uncertainty. Always living on the edge. Always trying my best to make a nuisance of myself.
I feel a bit tired now.
I really wish that sometimes, i could keep my big mouth shut. Just let people get on with it. Say what they have to say. I wish that i could just go, yeah, well that isn't entirely true, but if it makes you happy, you say it anyway. I just fucking wish, for ONCE, i could fucking let it pass. But nooooooo, that would be too fucking easy, right? Yes? A quiet life, who wants a quiet life? Not me.
Here, here's a mirror. Take a gooood long look into it. Have a look.
Don't like what you see? Great.
Now what? Exactly, now what.
Now i start just going back to what i know best. Doing my work and running. And gardening. The crazy times are just part of the way life is. I need to understand this now. Clear the decks, make space for the crazies.
In the meantime, the boys are growing up. Ghin is absolutely beautiful. Oisin, just ridiculously handsome. Both of them, confident, kind, cheeky, a bit crazy. I am so glad that i sent them to the school. They are fine specimens of gentlemen. Oisin is beloved by almost everyone. He is sooooo much like me though. We often end up arguing and i love it - i love it when we both argue. It is like arguing with myself. He takes no prisoners. He gives no quarter. We both end up utterly bloodied, but then after that, we clean up and we are friends again. It is scary how much like me he is becoming. Don't say anything to Oisin at anytime which is ridiculous. He will not let you get away with anything. At the same time, there is a great generosity of spirit there. He is remarkably open hearted and inquisitive. He is also completely merciless when it comes to himself. He is a perfectionist. Those are all qualities i see in myself too. It is terrible being me and it is terrible being him. But also great. In a way my mom's pronouncement has come true. She told me that she hoped i would get a child exactly like me. No better and no worse. I have Oisin. He is like me. No better and no worse. God love him.
Right running tomorrow. And then the day after and the day after.
I love being alive, i really do.