Friday, 30 December 2016

Bury my Heart at Wounded Pride

From a single point
To the furthest reach
Everything is sacred

Yesterday, i did lots of gardening and cooking. I made lasagne, roasted aubergines and then in the evening in made a roast chicken. Oisin bought me the rest of my Christmas present. which was this kick ass rake, a climbing rose bush and finally, a pot to put it in. It was very nice. All through the day i thought of my wounded pride. The reason, i had realised that i had held on to many many of these hurts was because my wounded pride had never been salved. Somehow, it had never been resolved. Possibly because it had never been identified. I had identified this in a million different ways, but never, it was my pride which had been hurt. That last bit.

And so this morning i began journaling about it. My wounded pride. And the more i journaled, the more uncomfortable i felt. I had to hold on to mantras and to remember that the universe would take the pain and transform it. It was alright to hand it over. And then i thought of ways it often was suggested one deals with wounded pride, which was to be BETTER - to somehow, in one's own mind, SHOW the person or people who hurt you, that you have 'moved on'. This, of course is bollocks, and of course ridiculous. So there was no resolution in sight for me, when i then thought of all journey i had taken since those woundings, and some of these are many many years on, and i recalled that journey from those woundings to where i am now and i knew that in many of those instances, i had learned something. I had moved on with dignity and integrity, well with as much as i could muster, and i had grown from each encounter.

And a new kind of pride took place then - one where i realised that well, life will throw in your path assholes and i will make slip ups and i will end up falling flat on my face, sometimes, through no fault of my own, and in each instance when this happened, i got up, and walked on. OK, i did a lot of crying first, but i held it together. I didn't go off sick, i didn't make excuses, i learned to stand (with the help of many people) and then i began walking again, into the future. I had done everything right as far as was possibly human, and i then felt, the cure for this was being effected and the solution is to do things now and in the future which i could be proud of. Things which i could look back at, or look forward too, and say, this is a good thing. And then i saw, I was trying to do this anyway, everyday.

And something strange happened then.

Two strange somethings.

Firstly, this point in time healed, retrospectively everything which had taken place in the pass. It was literally like watching a light catch fire from this present moment and redeeming everything which took place in the past. And the second thing that happened, was that a light was shone into the future. The path is clear now, it seemed to say. I had wrestled with demons and they were now gone. It was like i had been freed from a prison.

But it was also so gratifying to know that i had done everything in my power to do the right thing. What would had happened if i had behaved poorly though between then and now? Well, it would not have mattered i think because the capacity of the universe to forgive and understand is immense, but that was not a question i had to wrestle with. My story is that i had made it through the fog and the suffering and i had acquitted myself well. I had a trial and i had done well.

And for the present, it had this lesson, which was, whenever i can, i should act in ways which would make my future self proud. And for me, it isn't money or clothes, or status. For me, it is always, integrity and dignity. Then, i know now, kindness, patience and gentleness. Forgiveness in the moment, always, be prepared to forgive everyone at the moment. I know this now too. Since Christmas.

Then there are concrete ways, things which i have been doing, always. Being there as much as i can for the boys, being independent, Doing creative, meaningful things. Running everyday. Doing gardening, cleaning, and the list goes on. It is extremely gratifying too, to know that i have been also trying to do the right things since all this has happened, when i was ready to do this. I don't succeed all the time, but all those ways to live are right and have always been right.

Ah life! Life! I don't know what i have done to deserve this redemption over the last few days - it is as if something has been unlocked. I had a very strange dream, about three weeks ago now about dying. In this dream, i felt i was falling and i knew that when i hit the ground i would die. When i did hit the ground, everything around me dissolved and it felt really as if my soul had left my body, but i could see the world around, but i looked different. I had never been so terrified in my life.

I told this to a friend and she said, that means rebirth. You are about to experience rebirth. Perhaps this foreshadowed all this. I know this doesn't sound like much to most people, but it has been such a liberation for me. Such a redemption. An affirmation, a blessing, such grace. It is actually renewal. It feels like a new fire has been lit inside me, and i had been asking for that for such a long time. Or rather, i could not see a way forward, into this strange and uncertain future which we have.

But something more has happened. It isn't just the strength to go on into the future. It is also the strength to redeem the past. And the strength to redeem the future too. Not by being afraid and never making a mistake, or being bitter and being afraid of taking a chance, but by making sure it is the best possible way in which at a much later future point, i am able to look back and say, I DID GOOD. I did good. No one else knows, but i know i did good.

Or at least i tried to do good.

So that has been mu revelation over the last five days. It feels a lifetime's work and i suppose it is.

I don't know what is next in this journey, there have been so many unexpected twists and turns. But i know now, that nothing comes from me. Nothing. Well, i can try and make things come from me, that would be highly inefficient. It does not work in the long run. But truly nothing comes from me. The universe moves within and through me. All strength, all the ability to do good, be the best person comes from this source, the sacred spirit. It is truly marvellous, it has the infinite capacity to transform every moment of your life. It forgives. It lets you lay all your burdens down. And when you have finished with every miserable, self destructive thought you can muster, and when you lay it at its feet, it will change it into something which i can use again. It cleanses. It is really an incredible, magical substance, and everything we see, touch feel - everything is made of it. And we - we are made of it. And it truly loves us utterly. It loves us most. It is not a neutral force out there, it it there caring for us, as patiently and gently as a mother looks after her child.I feel such gratitude, such comfort that it is there and i know it exists.

Everything we have around us is living proof that it is here.

When we are horrible and act out of pain, we do not act from this source. We act from another place. I don't know what this other place is. Maybe that is my next place of inquiry.

Well, i do believe there is garden that needs tending. Thank you for everything. I know my redeemer liveth.

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