Monday, 31 October 2016

The veils between the worlds

Making rum cake for halloween celebrations

The veils between the two world thins today. One year gives way to the next, the ancient spirits of the past are remembered. They return to see us today. We ask their their blessings, we ask for their help. We ask them for a good year ahead.

I was telling Ghin yesterday why we dressed up at Halloween. I said, during this time of the year the spirits of those who passed have returned and we dress up so that they can move around us and not stand out. It was actually a little bit scary to think of that. We were driving down the Bangor Road through the Craigantlet Hills, it was pitch black. I said, there is nothing to fear from the spirits of our ancestors. They love us and want us to be well, that is why they return to visit us.

It is so important to regain these traditions. Ghin dressed us in an outfit which i had made for Oisin when he was Ghin's age. Some tattered clothes to be a zombie. It was very simple and cost me nothing. Ghin helped to make the trousers. I couldn't find the trousers.

I did two loads of laundry at Ma's house yesterday and today i will back and do somemore.

This is after i go for my run and hoover the house and made the cake and then the food. Then i will carve some pumpkins.

I haven't been running recently. It is weird. I don't feel like running anymore. It is like i don't see what is the point any longer. I will walk any distance going, but running is something i feel like i am coming to an end with.

Am i become old before my time? I always thought i would run, always, always... until i was like really old. Now i am drinking my second glass of lemon and hot water, which i do every morning because it hydrates me, and i am hoping to go for my run after that.

Yesterday i felt very deflated. It was after i discovered the washing machine was not working. I felt like, i wish i could die. I know i am very dramatic. I wish that this bothersomeness with life with just END. There is just something else ALL THE TIME. Ugh.

I can honestly say that it was the first time EVER i felt like that. And i wondered, is this what depression is like? I know i am someone who whenever things go wrong i think, no, let's look at how we can make it better. No don't worry, there is another way. But today i just felt empty. I felt like i had nothing else to give. It was a horrrible but yet at the same time very peaceful feeling. It was like i had given up but at the same time i didn't have to try anymore. It was a little bit like dying.

Not being here anymore and not having to bother. Having never had this feeling, it was like time had stood still. In actual fact i must have only had it for fifteen minutes, but each minute felt like eternity. Each minute felt like i had sunk deeper and deeper into time itself.

It was very odd. So this is what it feels like to not care - i mean to be unable to care. To feel so powerless because you are incapable of caring. Then, we went for a walk and i felt better and then i went to my mom's house and did the laundry. So that was ok.

It is time i go for my run now. I should really, it is probably the only thing which will keep me sane, my running.

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