Sunday, 21 August 2016

What will survive of us is love

Dear god, today i was watching the wasps, flying in and out of this hole in the ground which is just outside the conservatory. I was watching them. Most people would have destroyed the nest because it would be a frightening thing having wasps living so close to them, but I have just let them continue. Honestly, i don't know what to do about them, will the nest get larger? Will they swarm? I don't know.

Anyway, as I was watching them, a thought suddenly struck me, what if Darwin got it all wrong? That we are not here to survive, but to love? And suddenly, as if it had all fallen into place, it locked. It locked. It was the same feeling that I had when after i had spent days and nights working on an essay, it locked, it all made sense. We are here to love. We are not here to strive and compete against each other, but to nurture, love and cherish each other. That is what we are really here for.

Success is the success in being kind and loving and giving. And then, i began to cry at the enormity of the mistake we had made. The science was all wrong. Everything around us has been interpreted wrongly. We have misread each other abominably. We all only survive if we love, if we do not, we will almost certainly bring each other to the brink of extinction.

And now the science has to pave the way. It is beginning to do this. Trees look after each other, there is a web of interconnectedness which we cannot see. We call this love. Looking into the eyes of the universe we see this and it sees us. How come we have not been able to understand this, except in the most trivial, the most trite terms? What appears to be the most trite terms now.

We have completely trashed it utterly. Utterly. We have misunderstood our purpose here.

Yesterday, i began my detox.

Part of the cleaning up has meant that i have unearthed a million things which i had forgotten i had. One of them was this book on detoxing.

One of my book collection
So, i opened it and read it, and felt inspired again. I felt yes, I can do this, yes, I need to do this. So yesterday i began doing it. The first day it is all juice and water. The most difficult thing about doing this is the unsocial element of it. People offer you things and you have to decline. People eat around you and you have to just either watch them or drink hot water and lemon. It is very hard. Last night the boys had curry chips and they ate it in the car and it drove me nuts. I know i would have taken part, but i didn't. After about ten minutes, which seemed like forever, i just forgot about wanting to eat the chips, but then they were making me feel ill a bit the smell. Then  i had a THUMPING headache as my body was screaming for tea and milk and wine, probably, and i went to bed with a dreadful headache and my period just began. But i am not taking the painkillers because of the detox.

It is a three day detox, followed by an eleven day replenishment plan, followed by a three day replenishing plan, followed by a ten day weight loss plan. Actually, it's just the way the book is laid out, but i think if i follow it, it will definitely feel better. It is much easier to DO something than to NOT DO something. So all in all i will be on this 21 day detox diet. My aim is to, after the weight loss plan, to go back to the start and do it all over again, until i fit into my pink cheongsam again. I think this will take about 4 months.

It is also a good time to start because my leg is out of commission and this means that i am eating sensibly while i am not 100 per cent with the leg.

The news around the leg is good because it has not gotten worse. It is in recovery. But i know that at this age the body is starting to say things to me. Look here, be careful, look after yourself. Be sensible. Be wise.

I can walk and will walk to the shops which are about twenty minutes each way to get the supplies for the diet.

Coupled with the revelation that our purpose is to love and that everything is geared against it, i can now see that so much of life, especially the consumables, is all about making a pain feel better. It is, in other words, addiction. We are running away from life, trying to reconnect, rejoin pieces of ourselves and this is at a terrible cost to us.We are in pain and we are constantly, in everything we do, trying to self medicate. It has to start with me, wondering, what am I going to do for myself?

It is like trying to reinterpret everything in my life again. Seeing everything through new lenses.

So, this is day 2 of the detox. It is plates of veg and fruit and yes, hot water and lemon.

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