Saturday, 20 February 2016

February is the cruellest month

I knida look like Ghin when i do this


So yesterday i had my mid-Feb slump. This happens every year, at about this time, when i ask myself melodramatically what is the point of going on? Being sanguine i forget everything there ever was that was good in life and then descendus Alvernus. Seriously. I ask myself, why should i bother to be happy if i am going to be sad at some point anyway. I ask myself, why should i do the right thing when everyone else is quite happy messing up the planet, the economy, their nearest and dearest... why should i care when really it is every woman for herself?

THANKFULLY, before i went to bed last night i had made myself a promise. I would go running first thing tomorrow morning. I would go for a run for 20 minutes, even if it killed me. Even if i felt completely awful. Even if i could not be bothered. Even if it was snowing. And so i woke up, wrote in my journal about three pages on why there is no point trying to do anything, put on my running togs and headed for my run. It was an awful run. Not the usual, oh, i feel great why did i not do this earlier feeling i usually have after a run. But then i did my sit ups and felt MUCH better. I had a hot bath, i made the bed, i hassled the boys, i made coffee and then did my half boiled eggs, sat for breakfast with Ghin and then i forgot why i should not be happy any more. In fact i wondered, what the heck was wrong with me?

It is now steadily drizzling and dripping. It is really something else.

Ghin was also sick last night. This extreme coughing bug is awful. The boys have learned to hold it in before they hit the toilet. It sort of began in November and has never really gone away. It is one of the downsides of parenting - that you really end up feeling your child's pain when they are ill. And there is very little you can do beyond holding their hand and hoping they get better.

So today i promised myself that i would also now only be online for on hour a day. That's all. For the rest of the time i will do productive things. Play the piano. Spring clean. Find new homes for shite i no longer need. I don/t need to be online.

And so - to getting ready for the week. I think i will start now. Tomorrow is a full school day. Ah, the soft rain... sometimes i do wonder if i am deranged. After all these years of practising and of thinking and of knowing better i can still have these bumps in the road. What is wrong with me?

I also had a other thought - there is nothing wrong with flat white. I must remember that. Flat white is good. It is where we are all trying to be, not on the fecking high seas.

Then i also had another weird thought - i miss school. I miss school and the kids and the rhythm and the conversation. How strange is that? Missing school. Cool.

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