Friday, 9 October 2015

I don't have to do everything

Oisin and Ghin discuss how to make bacon






It is alright to feel a bit like i am not managing sometimes. Like, for instance, i am not managing to go for my run everyday. I am not managing to clean the house twice a week. I am not managing to sign up for my riding lessons. I am not managing to feel cheerful 100 per cent of the time. THAT'S OK. Only a psycho feels happy all the time right? What i AM managing to do quite well is do my teaching and the grounds and cook and garden and sleep - and that should really be enough to make me content. I am not a hero. I can't do everything - and that is OK.

It is important to know the things which need to be ignored. I am discovering this. Things which i must not take on either. Things which i can do and will do and then after that it is in the lap of the Gods. If something untoward happens, then it is not as if i can do anything about it. I have decided that this is my arc of influence and no more - other people need to take up the fight, not me - i have other things to be getting on with. I CAN'T do everything.

And it is ok for sometimes to just LET THINGS GO. I look at all the causes online - i worry sometimes that people are so stupid - politicians especially. But i also think that if they go on that path enough, then well, they will VERY SOON discover that it is a bad idea. Although i think that the gun lobby in the US is never going to learn anything. They really don't seem to mind that their children are being slaughtered needlessly. Sometimes i think that America is like a haunted house - a place in which nothing is spoken off but everyone is so frightened of ghosts - the ghosts of the First Nations which they robbed, the slaves they brought over, the sins of the CIA and the industrialists.... it is a cesspool of secrecy and infamy - crime used to over up more crime, until it begins to undo itself. And that is happening now - people are beginning to turn upon each other. Gun crime is preventable and unnecessary - it is as if they cannot bear to admit that they are wrong - that it has all been a mistake - hoping against hope that it will either not happen again or they people will get the idea and stop.

I have to remind myself to leave my heart at the lotus feet of God whenever i get upset. Do what i can and feel happy with that.

It is already Friday. I can't quite believe it. I had a nap earlier and then i had to wake up at around 11 and think of taking back control of my life once again.

Which is what i am doing now. I looked at the photos of the work we are doing at school and feel so happy with that. And then i thought, yeah i can do this. So tomorrow after school i am planning work with Kevin for the field trips - think we are going to make far fewer of these than i thought we were - and then i am going to do something which is outside my routine of non-doing. Hopefully that will be running. I've booked a hotel in Dublin for 30 October. That is going to be lovely - just before Oisin goes away to Germany for six weeks. I can't quite believe he will be gone for so long.

I am going to miss him so much.

Sigh.

Right. Time to get a grip and to get things organised. We are going to Forest School tomorrow and i will be making bread over an open fire. Lots to get ready - water, dough, etc... Knives, you know... I am REALLY looking forward to the weekend. REALLY. I am also going to play a lot more piano. I have no piano talent, but i can get by when in practice and it makes me feel a little lighter when i do.

I am just going to have to accept that i can't do everything. That people have their own paths to walk, that i have my own path to walk and just get on with walking it. Because the only person i can save is myself i am going to do a damn good job of it too.

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