Friday, 13 December 2013

Don't look back in anger :-)



I now declare i am really really bored with Facebook. I am bored with FB because it is just so useless and pointless the way TV is useless and pointless. It used to be useful. Interesting. Now it is just information overload. Also i have noticed when there is too much information, then you might as well have no information at all. Because you don't do anything with the information, really. Information is only useful when you can do something worthwhile with it. Most of the information on FB is surplus to requirement.

Bored. Pointless.

The stuff on FB that is interesting is the stuff my friends post. That stuff is good. I am bored of Upworthy. And Mother Jones and all those other supposedly lefty sites. I confess i still like I fucking love science and Word Porn though. The political stuff, that is all just pointless. I am going to unlike many of these sites. And my friends will repost most of this anyway. So, there is no point seeing these things a million times.

Today was an amazing day in school. We are slowly building the foundations of maths. These two years are crucial. Addition, subtraction, etc etc...Tables. Most of the class love maths. Most of the class love literacy. Sometimes it does not matter what they love. They still need to do it anyway. The thing about the way i teach is that i get the chance to work with different ways of approaching something. If this does not work - try something else. This will work for someone and it won't work for someone else. Go around by another way. The human consciousness is like a puzzle. It is like navigating through a maze. Sometimes it takes a little longer - but we keep at it. Today i got three children who did not understand subtraction to understand subtraction. I mean to do the subtraction themselves. Like many things, once they understand one bit, understanding the next bit is easier. BUT you have to understand the first bit properly. If you don't, you don't stand a chance in hell with the next bit. I think that is where a lot of maths teaching falls down. The children don't understand the first bit, struggle with the next bit and then by the time the next bit is done, they are in complete confusion.

Do not guess with maths i tell the kids. The answer are there - you never ever need to guess. Eveyrthing you need is in front of you. You only need to figure it out. It is like a riddle.

It's all early days yet though.

I am soooooo tired. So tired. Illness, lots of work and darkness has really made the last week kinda hazy. I walk through the place in a haze. Getting up against the heaviness of the dark is difficult. Intense will is required. Sanguine people are not very good with will. We just hop from one thing to the next, the next shiny thing. Nothing ever bothers us very much. The darkness is hell really. We have to keep hacking away at it. Sanguine people are also easily confused because we are processing everything at the same time, not with great depth. This is why FB is awful for me. When i look at my FB update, i skim and skim and skim...and before i know it i am completely fatigued.

Perhaps that is why i am feeling so tired. I think i'll swear off FB for awhile. Well i'll strat with unliking all the non friend sites.

I was thinking about my life thus far. What are the truly amazing things i have done and i can choose from quite an array of amazing things. Some more publishable than others. Actually the really amazing things are the things which i have done were things which i never EVER thought i would do.

Do really well in school. I never have thought of myself as smart. Yet at the same time, i got good grades in exams. Weird.

Never having been athletic, i then ran cross-country and became the captain of the girls' track and field and cross country team in JC. Did i ever see myself as athletic? Nope.

Get a scholarship and study in England. That was cool. Loved that.

Travelled all over Europe. I really wanted to do that. In fact i would have to say that that is probably why i wanted the scholarship. So that i could study in England and then travel in Europe. I did that. All those wonderful places i saw - like the house which Munch stayed at when he painted The Scream. Walked mountains, fjords, glaciers, kayaked, canoed, biked...

Get really stuck into feminism  in Singapore - become the Vice President AWARE at the age of 26. Again, weird thing which i never EVER thought would happen.

I worked in the Ministry for Information and the Arts - in there i became a PR person and i learnt how to do hard markup for HTML. Even today i can fix simple HTML balls ups on my webpage. Awesome. I travelled around South East Asia. Not as much as Europe, but i was going places. I organised the media at the inaugrual WTO in 1996. I was 26 years old.

I got very very drunk. Many many times. I met lots of amazing people who are still amazing people in Singapore AND the rest of the world. People whose hearts are committed to making a difference. I am soooo proud of them whenever we meet up again. They humble me completely in the stuff they get up to.

I moved to Ireland. I have two sons. I did my Masters in English Lit in post-colonial theory. I worked in a hotel, an arts centre, a computer software firm, a conservation charity. I learnt all about birds. Habitat Management. I went to all these amazing places for nature all over the UK. I went to the rainforest in Indonesia. I made a film.

Met more amazing people.

I studied to become a Steiner teacher. I AM a Steiner teacher. Again, more amazing people. Some of the most talented, gifted and generous human beings i have ever known.

Everyday i draw, sing, craft, paint, cook...bake...garden...play the piano...i discover more about maths and the world around me. How it all falls into place.

I attend the occassional gig.

I am a mother. I am a daughter.

I am me. I am Stephanie.

I look back and think, that is an AMAZING life. 42 years of it. What do i have to complain about? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I want to say thank you to the universe for giving me everything you have given me. Honestly - would i do anything differently? Nope. And i still have so much to live for, so much to learn. to grow.

Today was i walked around the desks helping the children do their number clocks, i could hear the children from Class Ten blacksmithing. The sound of iron on steel. It was a Friday, the sun shone on the bare branches of the sycamore tree outside. The children were busy writing the 2, 8 and 12 times tables. The figure these made were pentagons.

There was a feeling of fullness. Yes, i was tired, but i also felt full. Like a plump, ripeness... a pearl in an oyster. Mysteries, upon mysteries, upon mysteries. The art of living ... the beauty and the possibility. The fulfilment of both at any one moment.

When i am happiest, i say to myself, and to anyone else who cares to listen, i KNOW i am happy. I know it because one day i may not be happy - and then i do not want to ever be in a position to think that i missed it. Imagine. Missing the happiest days of your life.... Never. Never never never. So it is always, as far as i can manage it, now now NOW.

Gratitude for nothing - and everything. And never look back in anger. :-)

No comments: