I do not understand people i confessed this weekend. I love them and i love being with them, but on a very fundamental level, i really do not understand them. What makes someone do the things they do...when i was much younger i would ask the most impertinent questions, because i wanted to understand people. Now i just observe. I puzzle. It doesn't torture me. It is like the sun rising and setting. It is ok.
I was rereading Knowledge of the Higher Worlds... The Guardian of the Lesser Threshold. When i was 33 i had a very similar encounter. I met my double. It was not a pleasant meeting. It was a meeting where i was, by my double, accused, judged and then condemned to death. I used the myth of Inanna's descent into the underworld as my guide. I hung a a meathook for three days dead and only faith and love saved me. Faith and love which came from Wisdom. It did not happen in a workshop. it happened in my bathroom. I simple ran the tap on Christmas Eve and said, i will do this journey because i need to. And i took a bath. I was literally born again.
It would take me nine more years to have a similar experience. Again, unasked for. This time my double was beside me and helping me. I will suffer with you he whispered. It is the suffering of the innocents. We will do so together. The strength and wisdom of my double cannot be underestimated. I have understood him to walk with me all my life and he loves me dearly. And from being a terrible force for self sabotage, when i made my peace with him he became a powerful ally. This capacity to know my limits and boundaries, to honestly know them, is probably one of the loveliest gifts which have been received in this life. To be happy, content and satisfied with who i am, but to never be lazy, to never stop questioning... To be unafraid, although lately i have been silly... I was only protecting myself. I am now ready to be unafraid again.
So, i really feel as if i have entered a new phase, a new adventure. I am remembering some of my original purpose and marrying it with learning, life's learnings. I was reading the stories of the saints yesterday and i was thinking how perfect that i should be doing this now. Such wonderful pieces of inspiration, such wonderful calling forth of the best in ourselves to struggle against all odds with grace and beauty.
So, off to staff development now. Unsure what that will entail. But i know it will be all good. The way life, no matter what, is all good.