I was thinking yesterday at the club, after the workout and before the class prep, how i will almost certainly never feel so crap ever again. That i could feel worse, but i will never feel as crap. Why the hell was i put through what i was put through i do not know, but with the help of my parents and children, and my wonderful colleagues at the school, i seem to have come through on this side and - i know i will never EVER allow someone, anyone, any person, institution, organisation to ever make me feel so miserable again. It was like that moment in the reading room of the National Library, how amazing is life and how amazing is my life? Not for a single moment can anyone take that from me, ever again.
This is because i am somehow...i don't know, it feels like i have stepped into something. Stepped into being myself. Perhaps it is indeed the birth of my consciousness soul. Suffer to bring it into this world. Not being a natural melancholic, this was of course very difficult, as suffering is not my element, but it would appear that with the heat returning and with things moving i am in a better place.
I am soooo happy that i now work at the school. Everything about it has been right thus far. I am wary of honeymoon periods, and the work is hard hard work - but there is pleasure and there is life. There is love and support. There is genuine concern, not fake corporate concern for people as human beings - in fact it is at the heart of what we do.
I will never ever forget the moment my mind was made up. I was told you must do the thing which is nourishing for yourself - the thing which nourishes your soul, because if you do not at this stage in your life, your angel would have spoken and you would have not listened. I wonder what would have happened if i had gone i can't listen to my angel. I wonder how i would have fared?
I was thinking more about melancholics. I actually work really well with them. They keep the sanguines rooted to the earth. They go, have you thought about this? With age i am beginning to appreciate that. They worry on behalf of us, just as we tell them to loosen up a bit. Have some fun. Stop being up your own hole. Take it easy. This is why Tigger and Eeyore are such good friends. Eeyore secretly loves Tigger's enthusiam and energy and Tigger never notices Eeyore's misery - he pushes him along, telling him how great life is, and really, deep down inside, Eeyore knows Tigger is right. And Tigger appreciates Eeyore's concern and love. All the best work i have ever done is in conjuction with melancholics. The worriers, the ones which say, look here, do you not think you need to wind it in a bit? The ones who tell me, wise up, you can do better than that. And when i think of the melancholics in work with currently as well, i realise how much i love them very deeply.
Well today is a new day. I went for a four km run yesterday and then the sauna and swim. I felt, of course, sooo good and happy. You know, it is such a relief. I watched Nine with the boys yesterday, and we also saw Neverending Story. The author of the Neverending Story went to a Waldorf School and it is completely there in his work, all the references to Waldorf Education. In Nine, there were references made to alchemy, Paracelsus, and the danger of simply investing in the intellect, the Ahrimanic side of ourselves. They were two very beautiful, thoughtful films, in such very different ways.
In many odd ways spirit is making a return to our thinking. Of course there is all this effort in academia to incorporae Bhuddist thinking...i often wonder how academics attempt to explain spirituality without acknowleding spirit. They turn it all into psychology, i think. Just like science is now turning to dark matter and quantum physics. Most recently it would seem there is a mirror universe which is made entirely of dark matter. I was saying to a friend on the course, would it just not be much easier if they went, look can we study spirit seriously instead of making all these ridiculous contortions. Can they not look into the phenomenon of us, of the cosmos, as having a spiritual reality? Seriously. And if they turn up nothing, then, so be it. But what if they turn up something? What if they discover there is a spiritual dimension, what then? Ah...then everything they have worked towards will have to change. Perhaps that is what they are afraid of the most.
The gesture, she said, is the same. Religious and scientific fundamentalism - the certainty that they are right. I hope that in our time, i will be able to see it change, not just change in small pockets which hold this, like Waldorf Schools and Camphill Communities, but wider society.