|If i were an animal, i'd prbably be the red squirrel...|
Easter rung in many changes. It was a long two weeks of lots of stuff. The last few days have been a bit unusual in that my folks got here and there was the course. It feels like the last three days was an entire week in itself.
We did the four temperaments in the course today.
I was thinking of my giggly happy self from that previous life and wondered if i would ever be that giggly person again? I mean i'm now going deep to find happiness and contentment - perhaps because i had been to that happy giggly place i could get there again?
I don't do the beating myself up thing, not really. I mean i do take responsibility, but i don't go, why oh why am i so shite? I don't. It is quite a revelation to discover that people do do this on a regular basis. It's not like i have good self-esteem. It's more like, what is the point? What is the point about beating yourself up cos you know, just get on with it. The situation does not improve if you lie and bed and go - ah me, i am soooo crap. So being in a state which i have been in over the last few weeks has been odd. I did and occassionally wonder what is wrong with me, why do i end up with shit men,..how come i am such a poor judge of character? But of course there is nothing wrong with me, like there is nothing wrong with most people, it is just that for that moment it was not right. Or indeed for this life it was not right. and so, that's that.
I live utterly and completely in the present - so when zen practioners go, you must live in the present, i say, where else would you live? Apparently this is a typical characteristic of sanguine types. They have short term memories. It's not like we don't care, it's more like - well that was interesting, and everything of course, is interesting to the sanguine, but that was then and this is now. And now is where i am at.
I think maybe this is the kind of goldfish memory that got me into the mess i am now in. But i am now getting myself out of it, and so, hopefully things will be ok.
BUT - there is lots to be done now that the new school term has started. I have been in school and in school mode now for about a week. Thinking about the children and what needs to be done for them. I'm more relaxed now as well. I know the class, they know me, i know what i am capable of and what they are. I know the curriculum a bit more. A bit more confident about doing what needs to be done. I know that there are LOTS of things which we will be doing. I'm more familiar with the rhythm of the week and of the school. It is a LOT easier.
As i tidied up the classroom and put things together, i felt that strange inexplicable happiness that welled up inside me. I was EXCITED about getting back to school. Of seeing the kids and how much they have grown. Of telling stories again. Of being with my boys in school. Of playing the recorder, and painting. Of making stuff. Of learning to read. Of answering questions. I felt MUCH better after i left the classroom. It was completely therapeutic.
There is a great excitement in life when it means something. When it is about sharing and caring and bringing to life something which was not there before. I supppose that i why i teach. The next phase is to do properly reboot other parts of my life as well. It will no doubt be awful and difficult, and messy, but i am prepared. My dad said to me, do not worry, we are behind you completely. We can do what we need to do. I cannot tell you how it is to have a family as that kind of bedrock. To help set you up.
I am prepared, as prepared as i will ever be.