I was sooo tired yesterday after the course and anticipating the coming of my mom and dad. The arrival of the folks has signalled a new phase to the developments in my life. But for now, we are just enjoying the company of each other, in the meantime.
Over the last few weeks i have often wondered if i should have stayed in Singapore all those long years ago, but i would not have had the many good things that has happened to me along the way and i suppose, if i had stayed in Singapore i would probably not be doing what i am doing now, which has enriched me in thousands of unknown ways. There really isn't a lot to think about - really, by way of should i have stayed in Singapore. Anyhow it is a completely weird place. If you want bread and circuses, then it is a great place to be. If you feel this is a somewhat superficial and unstaisfactory reason for being alive, then it is definitely not where you want to be.
So suffering and karma. Karma, for me is one of those things - like how the world got made. In many ways i don't really care how the world got made. What i care about is how we are needing to look after what we have. Similarly karma, it does not matter what kind of karma you were supposed to have - the point is that you have this shot in life, so ffs, MAKE IT COUNT. Make it count for yourself and for those you have a responsibility to. Make it count all the time and everytime. It doesn't matter what kind of karma you are supposed to have - so if karma is the reason for suffering, then it makes no odds to me, because no matter what we must attempt to act out of our highest selves. Admittedly, this is not easy - which is possibly why we end up in suffering. But perhaps suffering is a kind of reset button. A wake up call. A way of saying, look this just cannot continue, you are on a hiding to nothing.
I have nooo idea.This does not explain why innocent people suffer. Karma does however, but it is a pretty shit explaination, if you ask me for those innocent souls subjected to horrors only the most depraved maniacs can dream about.
It did also make me think about the lovely things i have been through as well though. The really supergreat things. And it made me think, ah well, karma - you win some you lose some. It is my fate that i had the family which i have, which are really wonderful. I am sorry i have not appreciated them more, but it is also fate that i was born Singaporean and share nothing in common with the mainstream value system there.
I can't sleep now cos i've eaten too much - more than i've eaten in weeks and weeks. We had sashimi for dinner and now i feel like Jonah's whale.
Anyhow, today i recited the Hail Mary many, many times, probably too many times, to remind myself to hold grace at the core of my being. I am hoping that someday, i will be able to just not have to do it because i have trained my etheric body into a new habit - one of grace.
In Botanic Avenue, the police were out, as were the students recently returned for the new term. There they were, all delighted with the good weather. Riot time, possibly? Look at all those young minds, lining up outside Boojums, ready to start attacking the heat who were dressed in semi riot gear. My dad was wondering why the land rovers had their undersides protected and laughed when he realised it was to prevent petrol bombs from blowing up the armoured vehicles. Belfast. As i passed the pubs and the people drinking in them, it was as if i was looking out at a different life, at a different time in my life as well. It was as if i was looking out from the other side of death. Having done the mad drinking thing as a yuff, having been through the time i have over the last few months, having started a new journey, it seemed a strange place the pub. I don't know if i could ever get pissed again. Ever. I really don't see the point it in any longer.
So many many things have changed over the last few months, so many things about me and who i was. It feels like a huge earthquake has taken place and for better or worse, hopefully for better, the entrance or exit to the person i used to be has been closed. Fallen rubble has blocked it, and i could never go back even if i wanted to. Even if i wanted to, i could never be the person i used to be. A few times this week i had this image of myself standing in front of the blocked passageway, looking all mournful, as they do in dinosaur movies. I did feel very very sad, but also a mild revulsion to the place that i had left.
I still do not know what kind of person is taking that place, but for a start, some gentle grace. Something sweetly unafraid as well, despite being very uncertain about a future. Devotion. Standing in a self where there is no self. It is very bizarre.
We did maths today, how to teach maths, and a drawing about our relationship to maths. I began with sharp jaggedly cliffs which appeared threatening and formidable, but in the end turned out to be beautiful and sublime.
As i sketched the drawing, i thought, the world, you see, is so full of wonder, so full of miracles and possibilities. May i always stop myself on a regular basis to give thanks and enjoy it - and give back what has been given to me. Maybe that would be a good place to start. To honour the gifts with deep beautiful offerings.