It's a tough gig being human you know. A terrible responsiblity, all this power and mostly not only unaware of it, but also not knowing what to do with it. Tonight i'm using my power to make brownies. I'ts partly prepping for ML tomorrow, but also cos makin brownies is soooo lovely.
It's been tough, sure it has. But it has also been a relief. Today at eurythmy, i could not concentrate on watching the children. I observe one child everytime i go in and then do a write up on them. I could not concentrate fully cos i was missing the thing i was missing at that moment. It just hurt soo much. And then, later on, it was gone. It comes and goes.
Mostly it was necessary. It has to be done. I did not enjoy the wondering and the waiting around. Nope and now this pain is at least an honest pain. I can't describe it any other way. It is a pain that i know will one day end. Probably a few years, but heck. That's life.
Anyhow, at least it is an honest pain.
The kids were wonderful today. I do not deserve them to be so wonderful. There is something redemptive about working with the children and then being with my children. In many ways the decision i made on Tuesday was also on their behalf. The universe said, these are the signs, read them and decide. And i read the - probably too quickly, perhaps not graciously enough. But i read them and made the decision. That decision, a sacrifice, but it was the right decision nonetheless. One of the six conditions for helping spiritual evolution is to once you have made a resolution to stay with it - unless it was the wrong decision. It was not the wrong decision, and so, i have stuck with it. It hurts like hell, but it was the right decision.
I will be called on to make many more right decisions. It seems arrogant saying things can be a right decision in this world of woolly post-modernist conceit and egotism. But in this case...in this case...yep.
When i unplugged from it all, i was completely wrung out. The day after i thought, look we tried, it did not work, so that's fine. It's ok. It was a genuine thing that happened and that is what is most important. I also need to concentrate on the boys and focus on the future, so all in all, it has worked out.
Having friends around has been so good too. Partly i have decided to sort it out because i cannot put them through this again. Also it has come to a point when boundaries were crossed. It is impossible to ignore those signs too.
So onwards and upwards, as i have said over and over again. It was for the best. It is for the best. I will forge on and when it is over, it will be over and then something new can start all over again. I had nothing two years ago - and i have nothing now. There is a clean poetry in it, indeed there is.