Tuesday, 26 March 2013


I'll Wait
So i drew and wrote some poetry over the last few days. This house is the house which i had in my mind's eye when i wrote my last piece about waiting. It has done me a power of good.

The Courtship of Ahab and Catsimir

This i did as therapy. It looks much nicer in real life...a whimsy based in reality. There is ALSO a poem to go along with it. Oh i know the poetry isn't very good, but it is good for my soul.
My mom and dad will be here in a few days. I have lost even MORE weight. I am now almost as thin as i was when i was 19...honestly. It feels so wonderfully good.

The thing about the other side of suffering, see the previous post, is that...you are never sure what exactly lies on the other side no? You hope it is light. So here is a sample of the poetry, as i sai,d it ain't very good...

If from such sorrow, beauty can come,
If from suffering, light can be free,
If from tragedy, hope may arise,
Then all my troubles would cease to be. 

From the far side of happiness, I see the shore,
I approach the land that was promised to me,
But in the journey there are no short cuts,
No matter how painful those obstacles may be. 

Let this cup pass, said a man in prayer,
In a garden of olive trees,
As drops of blood fell, on stone and rock,
Silence coldly wrapped beneath his knees. 

A long way to go, and longer still,
Before I understand my destiny,
Until the castle is finally won,

That shining beacon across the sea.

It sort of happened because i could no longer bear to diary and journal. I just needed to write something in which i was not whining. So i wrote this and it felt better. And then i wrote another poem and another poem...my favourite one is a whopping thirty stanza poem called the Courtship of Ahab and Catsimir - that goes with the drawing. It is my escape really. Hell was other people, as Satre says, so i escaped into the world of creativity.

It's pretty cool, i think. It has helped me endlessly really. I've also joined the gym, i know...with the boys, and i'm now going to Dublin to get my passport done. Some days it feels blah. Some days it feels GREAT. Some days it feels like i put one foot in front of the other.

Some days i wonder how the hell do people live like this? The POINTLESSNESS of life. It is a truly terrible feeling. I look at people, especially people my age, and i see, for the very first time how there does not seem to be anything more for them. Like they have given up. It is a very isolating feeling. Is that was mid-life crisis is about? Hmmmm....Is this why people run around like headless chickens, whey they end up doing daft things, this last hurrah before it all goes, before the very last bit of their feeling that things can be different evaporate? Questions, questions...

There is a very odd feeling i have had recently. Especially since i've started writing and drawing again. And it is this: that it feels like some kind of burning away has taken place and left in its place is...is...i really hesitate to say. But there is something which has been left behind which i have never EVER felt before. It is a weird feeling, a good feeling. A sort of truth, an acceptance of the person i am.

I was watching the BBC documentary Bombay Railways the other night. About 15 people are run over by trains in Bombay everyday. The drivers say, they probably have killed about 70 people through their careers. I cannot imagine what it must be like. They did a feature on railway children. It was heartbreaking. I just thought, when i reach the other side of all this, the children must be looked after.

Well i think i'm going to start a blog for my creativity. It seems to be on the up. I should have my poems and the drawing all put together. Many years ago i read that creativity was not this spurt of inspiration, but showing up daily. I understand this now. I have this image, or this idea, and i just show up and it does itself. It feels really really good. And even if it is NOT any good, it is something to do.

So, Peaceful Lent everyone. May the roads take you where they must, and may you have the strength and courage to follow them to the very end.


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