Monday, 21 January 2013

Another day of house arrest

Awake at 4.30 as usual,looked at the lesson plan and looked at my emails, etc. It has been a very good clear three days of not stepping outside the house. Sometimes illness can make you sit and think about the important things in life. To stop and prioritise what is what, to say this is important, that is important but for now it must be left behind. We can see to it later.

Ghin has almost recovered and i feel awful but i need to stay home another day to make sure he does not relapse. Many many people have been really ill - it has not been an easy winter. I have managed to for the first time escpe the raging coughs which usually plague me. It is probably because i no longer work in a very damp building. But also working in the school is extremely fulfilling. I am utterly inspired but also drained at the end of the day with the work there. Still it is completely nourishing.

Of course the narrative is all. I am at the present moment wrestling with a tricky narative which isn't my narrative but it still does impact on me. I fnd it perplexing and frustrating when people don't face up to the realities of their situations as this causes untold suffering in the long term. however, i need to realise this is the way most of the rest of the world works. Still though it makes me puzzled that mostly intelligent people cannot come to terms with what needs to be done in order to live in the truth.

I know this is easier said than done, but it is probably the root of most of our problems. If people could just be honest about themselves to themselves life would be so much easier. For a start there would be a lot less anger. There would also be less depression. Both are protection mechanisms for feeling hurt. Of course it is invitable that we will feel hurt, but if people just said, i am hurting and then said why they were hurting and went from there to address the thing which was hurting them in a clear minded way, life would be easier.

The greatest courage required is the courage to know yourself. Looking at yourself in the mirror and going - i recognise all those ugly traits in myself - i recognise and accept every single one of them and i take responsibility for them - and it won't kill me. In fact it may just help me to control them a little better.

Probably the best thing that ever happened in my life, top ten, no question, was when i was able to stop at hurt and not go into anger. It was a very liberating moment.

In this the narrative is paramount. It is the story we tell ourselves about ourselves. That has to be as compassionate and honest as possible. Without that we are nothing and nowhere, we are lost.

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