Wednesday, 26 December 2012

The eternal question of Boxing Day


Boxing Day - the turkey has been made, the food eaten, some may have hang overs - um not me, too old for that carry on - the presents have been unwrapped and really i just want to do feck all. But this means that the boys are watching TV all day, which they have done for the last three days and i just cant have them doing that any more. Maybe i'll make them watch a DVD i want to watch. I dunno.

What i need to do is get the spanner from school, go and get some coffee in town, get Christmas presents to Anthony and other people on that side of the Peninsula, go for a walk. It just isn't the same withou Eddie. Usually at this time i'd make the trip to Portmore to give him my bag of chocs. Quite often i'd miss him, but it meant that we were close to Portmore and i'd go for a walk there. As i was putting up old precious Christmas cards, one of his appeared, and i was filled with sadness. What is it about friends leaving us? To think we will all die one day. I was saying to a friend i think i'd like to live till about 65, that sounds about right. He expressed horror. You can't die at 65! That's when most people start seeing the world. Why i said, why not see it now, and not when all your best bits start falling off.

Anyhow, it was very sad. I know that anthroposophy says when someone dies it means they have been born into the spirit world. That's all well and good, but seriously, it also means that they are gone here and i have tried to understand this phenomenon, especially with people i love, people i enjoy their touch, their company, their physical presence, despite me knowing they love me, despite me knowing that they are here always and forever for me, it feels so painful when they are away, when i cannot feel them, when i cannot laugh with them, when i cannot hold them and tell them how much i love them. It is weird and its one of those things which i try to understand and somehow it keeps missing me. It slips. I do not understand why the physical presence of someone is so important.

Then i think about how important the physical must be then. How being our oldest body, how the hiearchies have spent so much of time shaping it, that it must be for some purpose. That it is through the physical body that everything is 'real' for us, that we are able to confirm phenomenon, almost to the distraction and detriment of our other bodies. It is such a mystery.

Listening to Hildegard von Bingen. I first head her in a record store in New York. I'd only been t New York once and only once and i was in between meetings. I decided to have a look downtown. I only vaguely remember New York, but i remember clearly being in this record store. Dark wood panelling and quiet, like a library. There was a sacred music section. I had just started going out with Peter and he enjoyed sacred music too. So i thought i would get this CD.

I think i'm going to try and muster the troops an get the spanner from school and then deliver stuff to Anthony and Emma...and then, then... we will go walking and perhaps go for coffee and sales. the music has helped to wake me up a bit.

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